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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

Page 43 of 830
  1. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Q: Is Google male or female?
    A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
     
    #841
    kiwiqpr, Dec 4, 2016
    likesforeveryone, UTRs, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    E.T.I.H.A.D

    Eleven Twats In Hiding After Defeat
     
    #842
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 4, 2016
    Makemstine Roger, UTRs, kiwiqpr and 1 other person like this.
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up!'

    Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
    If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

    Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

    A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
    The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

    Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

    As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all."

    Paddy replied, "No, no, it's genuine enough Mick. Me wife won twice last week."
     
    #843
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 5, 2016
    UTRs, San Diego and kiwiqpr like this.
  4. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    2+2+2=7
    You gotta love him!
    Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
    Johnny: Seven, Sir.
    Teacher: No, listen carefully...If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
    Johnny: Seven, Sir.
    Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
    Johnny: Six.
    Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
    Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!
    A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
    A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a ****in ' cat!!!
     
    #844
    kiwiqpr, Dec 6, 2016
    Makemstine Roger, likesforeveryone, UTRs and 2 others like this.
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    Taking inspiration from 'I'm a celebrity' I ate a cows testicle, a pigs eyeball, and a sheeps penis last night.

    Or a Lidl sausage roll as it's better known.
     
    #845
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 6, 2016
    Makemstine Roger, UTRs and San Diego like this.
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    I've got my wife an artificial leg for Christmas.

    It's not her main present just a stocking filler.
     
    #846
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 6, 2016
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  7. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Q. What do you call a paralyzed goat?
    A. Billy Idle
     
    #847
    kiwiqpr, Dec 7, 2016
    Makemstine Roger, likesforeveryone, UTRs and 2 others like this.
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
    'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Your Flight will non-stop from London Heathrow to Shannon, Ireland . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH,FECK OH MY FECK !!!!!!!!!'
    ...Silence followed!
    ...
    Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
    'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
    One Irish passenger yelled...

    'For feck's sake ........ you should see the back of mine!!!.
     
    #848
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 7, 2016
    Makemstine Roger, UTRs, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    A woman takes her 18-year-old daughter to the doctor.

    The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

    The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

    The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

    The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man!
    Have you, Darla?"
    Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
    The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.

    About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

    The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill.
    I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
     
    #849
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 7, 2016
    Makemstine Roger, UTRs, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    A blonde takes her car to a mechanic. he says 'nothing to worry about, just **** in the air filter'.

    She says 'Brilliant, so how many times a day do i do that?'
     
    #850
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 7, 2016
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  11. Didley Squat

    Didley Squat Well-Known Member

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    I bought a new dishwasher just a week ago ........... and it's broken already.
    What a f--king joke!
     
    #851
    Didley Squat, Dec 8, 2016
    Makemstine Roger, UTRs, kiwiqpr and 2 others like this.
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    please log in to view this image
     
    #852
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 8, 2016
    Makemstine Roger, UTRs, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #853
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 8, 2016
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  14. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"
     
    #854
    kiwiqpr, Dec 9, 2016
    Makemstine Roger, likesforeveryone, UTRs and 2 others like this.
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    One of the presenters on Children in Need just said, "Pick up your phone and pledge."

    I'm still sitting here, with the phone in one hand and a can of furniture polish in the other, wondering what the fcuk I'm supposed to do next?
     
    #855
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 9, 2016
    Makemstine Roger, UTRs, kiwiqpr and 1 other person like this.
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    My mate is flogging Welsh DVD's. Anyone want any?

    He's got:

    Nine and a Half Leeks
    Trefforest Gump
    The Lost Boyos
    Dai Hard
    Sheepless in Seattle
    Dai's of Thunder
    The Magic Rhonddabout
    Independence Dai
    and of course, the classic - The Sheepshag Redemption!
     
    #856
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 9, 2016
    Makemstine Roger, UTRs, kiwiqpr and 1 other person like this.
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    My daughter had a charades party for her birthday.

    After my turn I was beaten up by the other dads.

    It would seem, that holding my cock and w**king, furiously, while staring at my daughters friends is not the best way to do Gary Glitter......
     
    #857
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 9, 2016
    Makemstine Roger, UTRs, kiwiqpr and 1 other person like this.
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    A son from a poor family wins five million pounds on the lottery.
    He goes home and gives his dad five hundred quid.
    The old man looks at the cash and says, "thanks, son, this money will mean a lot to me.
    We"ve never had much in this family, we"ve always been poor.
    You know, I couldn"t even afford to marry your mother."
    "What!" exclaims the son, "you mean I"m.......well.......a bastard?"
    "Yep," replies his dad, "and apparently a fcuking tight one, too."
     
    #858
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 10, 2016
    Makemstine Roger, UTRs, kiwiqpr and 1 other person like this.
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #859
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 10, 2016
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  20. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A prospective husband in a book store
    "Do you have a book called, 'Husband- the Master of the House?'
    Sales Girl: "Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!"*
     
    #860
    kiwiqpr, Dec 12, 2016
    Makemstine Roger, likesforeveryone, UTRs and 2 others like this.
Page 43 of 830
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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