The barnsley joke page

During her annual checkup, the attractive woman was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
“Doctor…” she replied shyly, “I feel uncomfortable undressing in front of you.”
“All right,” said the physician, “I’ll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you’re done.”
A few moments later her voice called out from the darkness, “Doctor, I’ve undressed. What should I do with all my clothes?”

“Put them on the chair, on top of mine.”

 

Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone use fascinate in a sentence." Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence." Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence."

Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater." Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

 

Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids.

He said, ‘For the last time, I haven’t got your football.’

 

Once Upon A Time, there was a married woman, and she was not happy about her sex life, so she goes to see her doctor about it.
Her doctor gives her some pills and tells her to put one in her husband's glass of water before going to sleep and then HAVE FUN.
The woman comes back home and tries it the first night.
She puts one pill in her husband's glass of water.
And that night they have sex.
The next night, the woman was happy but not quite content yet, decides to use two pills.
That night their love making was even better then the night before.
So the third night she decided that if two pills was great, then she would put all the pills in the glass of water.
A week later, the doctor calls her house and asks:
"Hello, how's the whole family doing??"
The son, who answered the phone, answers:
"Well, my Mom's dead, my Sister's pregnant,
My ass hurts and my Dad is running around naked outside screaming, 'Here KITTY KITTY'."

 

A man calls emergency services: "Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!"

After five minutes, the same man calls back: "It's OK, I found another one!"

 

President Trump goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.
The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him "You can have him shipped home for $50,000,
or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100".
The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes.
They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want The Donald shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home,
when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100!?"
The American Diplomats replied "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.
We just can't take the risk".

 

Being a typical man I make very little fuss about my ailments and probably didn't tell you about my recent knee op.

Glad to say all went well- as you will see from the X-ray.

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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
“Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”
The first man approached him and said,
“Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before.
For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

 

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Breaking News

Nicola Sturgeon has ordered the match between England Vs Scotland be replayed as majority of Scots didn't want that result.

 

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..

Holding the bucket up, he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

 

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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Connie....Connie. "
"Is that you, Joe?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex
twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Joe you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.

 

I've just pulled up on the drive to see a thieving bastard run out of our back door & jump the fence.

The wife must have put up a good fight though, as she was naked, drenched in sweat & could hardly walk.