The barnsley joke page

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.


It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the post man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'
'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
'DUNNO - I got an erection and fell off my perch!'

 

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Football, Golf, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate.



Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the I Thought You Loved Me app and run the Tears function. You may like to try the Guilt function also.

If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer.

Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

Good Luck, Tech Support.

 

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the Emergency
Room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
Off your finger?'
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &
Then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants...
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00
To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a
Loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
Trigger.

 

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
Hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
Decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the
Tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
Blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little
Harder and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?'
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her
To blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'

 

In a statement from the BBC, all future England games will now be shown on the Porn Channel.
They think that 11 arseholes being regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.

 

A ninety year old aboriginal elder sat in his humpy eyeing two
government 'Welfare' officials sent to interview him.
One official said to him: "You have observed the white man for 90
years. You have seen his wars and his technological advances.
You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."
The elder nodded in agreement.
The official continued: "Considering all these events, in your
opinion, where did the whitefella go wrong?"
The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute
and then he calmly replied:
"When whitefella found the land, blackfellas were running it.
No taxes,
No debt,
Plenty kangaroo,
Plenty fish,
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free,
Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing,
All night having sex."
Then the elder leaned back and smiled: "Only whitefella bloody stupid
enough to think he could improve a system like that."

 

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running
around having fun, kicking a football.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she asks.
'Yes,' he replies..
'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says.
'It's best I stay here,' he says.
'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde..
The boy looks at her incredulously and says: "Because I'm the goal keeper !!!"

 

Three women go down to Pakistan one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.




















The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville, and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in...!!!"

 

Camila, Duchess of Cornwall wore a pair of new shoes for her wedding.
That night, when the celebration was over and they retired to their room,
She flopped on the bed and said,
"Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me."
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales tried the right shoe but the shoe would
Not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".
Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,
"There! Oh God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,
"See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried,
"Oh God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,
"That's my boy! He served in the Navy.
Once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"

 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young
mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. It
manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.
He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the
cat, "Whisky".
He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy."
At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy
by the hand and whispered: "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Fanny and Willy and go home."

 

"Mom," he said, "the other boys at school are using two words I don't understand. Can you tell me what they mean?"


"Certainly," Mom said. "What are they?"


"Pussy and bitch.."


Mom inhaled sharply, but recovered quickly.


"Oh, that's easy," she said. "A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy."
Craig thanked his mother, and ran out the door. But something about his mother's explanation bothered him.


So he sought out his father. Dad was in the garage. "Dad," Craig said, "the guys at school are using words I don't understand."


"What words, son?"


"Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meanings."


"Son, never ask your mother about these things. Ask me. Let me explain what they mean for you. "He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold and drew a circle around the pubic area.





"Everything inside the circle is pussy," he said.


"Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?"


"Everything outside the circle."

 

A blonde was shopping at Target and
Came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it,
So she picked it up and took
It to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.
It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing! I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos! It keeps hot things hot
And cold things cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied......
soup and an ice cream

 

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times,

I kinda figured we was friends."

 

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced
by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.

Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks?" Paddy said.

 

An Aussie and a Kiwi go to a pastry shop.
The AUSSIE whisks three biscuits into his pocket with such speed the baker
doesnt notice.

The AUSSIE says to the KIWI" Youll never beat that!"
The KIWI says to the AUSSIE: "Watch and learn!"
He says to the baker "Give me a biscuit, I'll show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the biscuit which the KIWI promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker: "Give me another biscuit for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him.
The KIWI eats this one too and says again: "Give me one more biscuit."
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one more anyway.
The KIWI then eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and yells: "Where's your famous magic trick?"
The KIWI says:
"Look in the AUSSIES pocket!"

 

A man walks into a bar and sees an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks,

"May I buy you a cocktail?"

"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."
"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

...

...

"No, they spread."

 

Grandpa and the Australian Taxation Office
The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office.
The ATO auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!

 

MEDICAL UPDATE Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need
a blood transfusion! This is good to know.
MEDICAL ALERT Australian Medical Association researchers have found
that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving
chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Just thought you'd like to know.

 

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.




Her business has gone bust and she's in dire


financial straits. She's desperate so she decides


to ask God for help.


She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've


lost my business and if I don't get some money,


I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me


win the lottery."




Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.




She again prays... "God, please let me win the


lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm


going to lose my car as well."




Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.




Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you


forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house,


and my car. My children are starving.




I don't often ask You for help, and I've always


been a good servant to You.




PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time


so I can get my life back in order."




Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the


heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by


the Voice of God, Himself....




"Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

 

Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"