The barnsley joke page

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Those optometrist jokes, are getting cornea and cornea.

 

This is something that happened at a care home. It could happen to you as you get old.

The people who lived there had small apartments, but they all ate at a central cafe. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was okay. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly, so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived, so she went back up towards his room, but found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs, but was having a hard time. He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.

She told him she was going to call an ambulance, but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So, she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room, he was completely unable to get up even the first stair step, so they called an ambulance for him.

A couple of hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one side of his boxer shorts.

I'm sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know all the facts....

 

More bad news from China :
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朣楢琴执㝧执瑩浻牡楧㩮㔱硰执㝧执獧浻牡楧敬瑦瀰絸朣杢㑳执獧扻捡杫潲湵潣潬㩲昣昸昸㬸慢正牧畯摮椭慭敧敷止瑩札慲楤湥楬敮牡氬晥⁴潴敬瑦戠瑯潴牦浯㡦㡦㡦潴捥捥捥戻捡杫潲湵浩条㩥眭扥楫楬敮牡札慲楤湥潴昣昸昸攣散散戻捡杫潲湵浩条㩥洭穯氭湩慥牧摡敩瑮琨灯㡦㡦㡦捥捥捥㬩慢正牧畯摮椭慭敧獭氭湩慥牧摡敩瑮琨灯㡦㡦㡦捥捥捥㬩慢正牧畯摮椭慭敧楬敮牡札慲楤湥潴昣昸昸攣散散戻捡杫潲湵浩u条㩥楬敮牡札慲楤湥潴昣昸昸攣散散汩整㩲牰杯摩䐺䥘慭敧牔湡晳牯楍牣獯景牧摡敩瑮猨慴瑲潃潬卲牴昣昸昸䔬摮潃潬卲牴攣散散㬩潢摲牥硰猠汯摩⌠㙣㙣㙣搻獩汰祡戺潬正潭潢摲牥爭摡畩㩳瀲㭸漭戭牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰敷止瑩戭牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰戻牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰执獧搴摻獩汰祡戺潬正瀻獯瑩潩㩮敲慬楴敶执獧搴筮楤灳慬㩹湩楬敮戭潬正漻敶晲潬
朣楢琴执㝧执瑩浻牡楧㩮㔱硰执㝧执獧浻牡楧敬瑦瀰絸朣杢㑳执獧扻捡杫潲湵潣潬㩲昣昸昸㬸慢正牧畯摮椭慭敧敷止瑩札慲楤湥楬敮牡氬晥⁴潴敬瑦戠瑯潴牦浯㡦㡦㡦潴捥捥捥戻捡杫潲湵浩条㩥眭扥楫楬敮牡札慲楤湥潴昣昸昸攣散散戻捡杫潲湵浩条㩥洭穯氭湩慥牧摡敩瑮琨灯㡦㡦㡦捥捥捥㬩慢正牧畯摮椭慭敧獭氭湩慥牧摡敩瑮琨灯㡦㡦㡦捥捥捥㬩慢正牧畯摮椭慭敧楬敮牡札慲楤湥潴昣昸昸攣散散戻捡杫潲湵浩u条㩥楬敮牡札慲楤湥潴昣昸昸攣散散汩整㩲牰杯摩䐺䥘慭敧牔湡晳牯楍牣獯景牧摡敩瑮猨慴瑲潃潬卲牴昣昸昸䔬摮潃潬卲牴攣散散㬩潢摲牥硰猠汯摩⌠㙣㙣㙣搻獩汰祡戺潬正潭潢摲牥爭摡畩㩳瀲㭸漭戭牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰敷止瑩戭牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰戻牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰执獧搴摻

Makes me want to cry!
Especially the part where they say : 汦睯攺正瀻獯瑩

 

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing:

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked. "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird."

"I had tolio as a child." He answered.

"You mean polio?" She asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his trousers, his bride once again asked. "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles." He explained.

"You mean measles?" She asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me." She said. "Let me guess... Smallcox!

 

A priest and a Guru are having breakfast.
The priest exclaims, "Look at my toast! It's the face of Jesus!"

The Guru replies, "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

 

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I have some Racing Geese for sale .

Let me know if you want a quick Gander...

 

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Just purchased a cured ham.....I wonder what it had suffered from ?

 

I really annoyed my wife last night, l opened a box of celebrations and changed all the wrappers around...

She really got her Snickers in a Twix.