The barnsley joke page

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

A slate falls from the roof slicing Paddy's ear off.

Murphy picks it up goes over to Paddy and asks "Is this your's Paddy?"

To which Paddy replies "Nah can't be mine - mine had a pencil behind it"

 

A man went into a Birmingham supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The young greens produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.
Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"
"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave Cardiff?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff."
"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"

 

Walking past Wormwood Scrubs the other day, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down the wall.

He looked at me and sneered.

I thought that's a little condescending.

 

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Three Toronto surgeons were playing golf together and discussing difficult surgeries they had performed over the years.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Toronto. In my favourite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident;

I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

The second surgeon said, "That's nothing.... A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident; I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics"

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs...Several years ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuana and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour... all I had left to work with was the man's blonde hair and the horse's ass...

I was able to put them together and now ……………………He's running for president of the USA!

 

After no dates or sex for 5 years, a woman goes to see the Chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang.

He says, "Harro! Peese take off all u crose, get down n craw reery reery fast to ovva side of room"

The woman does this.

"OK, u craw reery reery fast back"

As she did Dr Chang shook his head. "Yew probrem vewy vewy bad, worse case od Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why u get no man.

" Oh my God, what is Ed Zachary disease" she says.

Dr Chand say "It is when u face rook Ed Zachary like u rarse

 

SAINSBURY CAR PARK SCAM - BEWARE!

Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends! Here's how the scam works: Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco. You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet! I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on November 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.

P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better!! Happy Shopping!

 

There were these three women who escaped from prison.
A blonde and two brunettes.
So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house.
In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them.
When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells,
"There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding".
The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunette in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said
"Oh, its just a stupid cat in there."
So he kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!"
Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATOES!"

 

This guy was walking down the street and this streetwalker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?"

"Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.

She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?"

The guy says, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

 

The value of a Catholic education and a pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she
slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind
her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she
had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

 

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?" "I didn't have to," Steve replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,'

So, here I am!"

 

Relatives had gathered in the hospital waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news" he said as he surveyed the worried faces "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves".

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.

After a length of time, someone asked "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly responded "£5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain".

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used".

 

Two couples were camping and they were in separate tents.
Men in one, women in the other.

One man nudged his best friend saying "Jeezus I got a big erection I am going next door to screw my wife."
His friend turned around to him and said "I better come with you."

The other man replied, "What the f**k?...... why is that?"
So his friend said "Well its my dick you have a hold of!"

 

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks "Dad, what's love juice?"

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says "So what were you watching?"

Billy says "Wimbledon".

 

I'm about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties.

My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is.

She bought me some Viagra, and I bought her a treadmill.

 

With Halloween coming up I decided to go to my local fancy dress shop to see if I could get a Dracula costume.

After a few minutes the assistant handed me a Man Utd shirt.

"I think you have misheard me, I said I wanted to look like a count"