The barnsley joke page

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.

The next morning, the rabbits get to talking. "I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots" says one. "I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits" says the second.

"I'm going back to the lab" says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette".

 

A boy walks into his father's bedroom whilst he is masturbating.

"Father what are you doing" asks the boy.

"Don't worry son you'll be doing it soon"" says the father.

"Daddy why's that?"

"Because my arms getting tired that's why"

 

Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the publican. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak.

"Thanks" he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got" says the publican. The guy says "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't".

"Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside" the guy gasps. "Tell you what" says the landlord "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place". "Be my guest" the guy says.

So the publican goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realise she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.

Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer" explains the landlord "She's my wife". The officer replies apologetically "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realise". "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light".

 

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The wife said she'd like me to make love to her over the bonnet of her Honda Civic.

I never would have thought of doing that on my own Accord.

 

A man is driving his eighteen wheeler down the road, when he sees a hitch hiker. So the trucker stops and picks up the man.

While they are driving down the road, the trucker says "Hey man, you wanna see something pretty cool?" The hitch hiker says sure. So the trucker has this monkey in the back, and he makes it come up with the men, and he smacks the monkey up side his head, and the monkey gives him a blow job.

So after that, the trucker says "Hey man, do you want some of that?" And the hitch hiker says "Sure, but just don't smack me so hard".

 

The Pope was finishing his sermon.
He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day.
They pointed out that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
The next day, after his sermon,the Pope concluded by saying,"Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope.
They said that they noted that he blessed Mankind and Womankind, and asked if he could also bless Gay people.
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with,
"Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

 

Q:Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Liverpool supporter, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty quid note.

Who gets it?

A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythical creatures.

 

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Paddy is on a beach sunbathing.

Out of respect for others he covers his private parts with a hat.

A woman walks past and sniggers "if your were a gentleman you'd lift your hat"

To which Paddy replies "if you weren't so fecking ugly it would lift itself!!"

 

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all walking along together when they encounter a slide in front of a magic pool.
The Englishman decides to give it a try and shouts as he slides down "Beer!" and lands in a pool of beer.
The Scotsman sees this and has a go himself. As he slides down cries out "Whiskey!", and lands in a pool of whiskey.

The Irishman, having seen this, decides to have a go to, as it looks like fun. As he slides down, he cries out "Weeeeeee!

 

Two priest's were taking were standing at the in urinals one day and the one priest looks down and see's a nicotine patch on the other guy's penis.

He says "I'm not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isn't that supposed to be on your arm?"

And the other priest goes "No brother it's working fine. I'm down to two butts a day"!

 

They had been having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the same time, still deep in conversation.
But Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Chas was very well endowed.
"I say, that's a remarkable donger you have there old boy," Fred was prompted to remark.
"Wasn't always that way," replied Chas, "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days," he said. "I got this done over in Harley Street, cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, well worth every cent."
Fred was very envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and flew off to London first thing.
It was a good six months later before he ran into his old cobber once again and Fred could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result.
"But Chas, I will tell you something else," said Fred. "You were diddled, I got mine for $500, not a thousand."
Chas could hardly believe it. Same address on Harley Street, same doctor.
Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Fred if he could take a look.
Once more they lined up at the porcelain, when Chas took a peek over the partition, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared.

"No wonder," he laughed. "That's my old one!"

 

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she's back at the doctor, where she says "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says "I'm sorry, we didn't realise the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages".

"Nah" she says "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway".

 

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd read many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poureda thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"



She stopped, looked skyward! and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,



"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"

 

A blonde rings up a travel centre and asks "how long are flights to England"

The consultant on the other end says "Just one minute"

The blonde says "thanks very much" and hangs up the phone....

 

A lady walks into a BMW dealership.
She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line BMW and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks,
"Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to s**t yourself when I tell you the price."