The barnsley joke page

The local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried.... over time: Weightlifters, Dockers, etc. but nobody could do it. One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, OK", grabbed the lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence.... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon.... and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the barman paid the £1000 and asked the little man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a Lumberjack, a Weight-lifter or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied:

Nothing like that. I work for the Inland Revenue."

 

"Daddy, where did I come from?" seven-year-old Rachel asks. It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared.

They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" the mom asks.

"Not really," the little girl says. "Judy said she came from London. I want to know where I came from."

 

On Monday morning the Postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

Dave, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun an...d It got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Dave responded. 'Your name came up seven times.

 

A mother finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.

She calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess giving him a damn good spanking is out of the question"

 

Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler.

So the neighbours think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting "Give it to me!"

 

A bride tells her husband "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison". And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped". Turning on his side, he smiles and says "Then we will have to re-imprison him".

After the second time, the bride says "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.

The bride again says "Honey, the prisoner escaped again" to which the husband yelled "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"

 

I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free

 

Three elderly golfers walking down the fairway.

"Sixty is the worst age to be" said the 60-year-old "You always feel like you have to pee.
And most of the time nothing happens".

"Ah, that's nothing" said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens".

"Actually" said the 80-year-old "Eighty is the worst age of all".

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all".

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am".

Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and crap every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until seven..."

 

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex". The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life.

When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting" his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep.

The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!"

The wife looked confused and replied to his mate "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick".

 

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this.

Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location!'"

 

On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed. When her husband wasn't shortly behind her, she got up and went looking for him - and found that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

She asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her. "I thought you realised" he replied. "It's Lent".

"What?!" she shrieked, almost in tears. "Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!" "Well, you asked, and that's the answer" he said, going back to his book.

"But..." she said "Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"