The barnsley joke page

Handing over my I.D. at the post office, the clerk blurts out, "You've worn a bit since this photo was taken."

"You're dead right love!" I replied. "I had it taken just before I joined your f*cking queue."

 

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.

"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying b*stard. He's never been out of the garden!!

 

Apparently Katie Price is writing a new book about all the men she's slept with.

It's called the Yellow Pages.

 

Freezing temperatures in Liverpool this morning, reports say it was so cold scousers were seen with their hands in their own pockets.....

 

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Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding to Prince Charles and, as the day wore on, they became increasingly tight around her feet. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their honeymoon suite, she fopped on the bed and said, “Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!” The Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.
“Harder!” yelled Camilla, “Harder!”
Charles yelled back, “I’m trying, my darling! But it’s just so blooming tight!”
“Come on, my prince! Give it all you’ve got!” she cried.
Finally the shoe was released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, “Oh God, that feels so good!”In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Philip, “See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!”
Meanwhile, Charles was working hard to remove Camilla’s other shoe.
“Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one’s even tighter!”
Prince Philip said to the Queen: “That’s my boy. Once a navy man, always a navy man!”

 

Met Police clear London of the eco protesters. They brought in a mobile pop up Job Centre !

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