The barnsley joke page

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I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Southampton win a trophy."

"You crafty f*cker!" said the fairy.

 

Paddy is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny
mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top
of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without
underwear.
The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires,

"Are you looking at my vagina?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll
make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.
Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder
vagina can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman.

Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.

Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks,"Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Paddy replies, "You’re kidding—you mean it can whistle, too?”

 

• A man once said to me, "I"m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library."
• I thought, "That"ll be a turn-up for the books."

 

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Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma ,Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says,"Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please.
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says,"and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer – it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Scotland,

…..They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."

 

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Don't throw old doll heads away....they make excellent night lights for children........

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