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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  3. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!". She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "Id like the $99 cruise special, please." The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise? The second blonde replies, " They didnt last year."
     
    #623
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    "Is that the Ballycashel Echo?" asks Mick.
    "Certainly is the woman answers"
    "How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?"
    "Five pounds an inch," the woman replies.
    "Why? What are you selling?"
    "A ten-foot ladder," said Mick before slamming the phone down.
     
    #624
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

    Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

    “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

    “There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

    “What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.

    “Gold of course”, says the man proudly.

    The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”
     
    #625
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.

    Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.”

    Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?”

    Bill: “No, but my sister has.”
     
    #626
  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    “I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

    So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

    ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

    Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

    ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

    She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

    I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

    She fainted.”
     
    #627
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

    Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.

    After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.

    Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!"


    The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
     
    #628
  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky...
    Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.
    A night of tall tales begins....
    Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un.
    Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today".

    Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
     
    #629
  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my bum !!


    Do you think I should change dentists?
     
    #630

  11. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Teacher Arrested At Sydney Airport - Held in Isolation.

    A secondary school teacher was arrested today at Sydney 's Kingsford Smith
    Airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession
    of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a
    calculator.


    At a press conference, an Australian Border Control spokesman said he
    believes him to be a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.


    He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Federal Police with
    carrying weapons of maths instruction.

    'Al-Gebra can be a problem for all of us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive
    solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
    of absolute values. They maintain secrecy by using secret codenames such "X"
    and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that
    they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
    in every country.'

    As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to
    every triangle".

    When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Bill Shorten said
    - "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He
    would have given us more fingers and toes."

    Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more
    intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.
     
    #631
  12. Didley Squat

    Didley Squat Well-Known Member

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    If Kiwi can go on the 'complaints' page and not make a complaint, surely I can come on here and not make a joke.
    I'm still going to make another formal complaint and if no one listens, I'll make two!
    Ok, where was l ............. "Did you hear the one about ..........
     
    #632
  13. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    In 2014 I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet
     
    #633
  14. Didley Squat

    Didley Squat Well-Known Member

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    A lady was standing in the middle of a queue at the local sperm bank.
    When she was questioned about being in the wrong queue, without saying a word, her facial expressions said otherwise.
     
    #634
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

    I said, "Wow!"

    Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
     
    #635
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    One morning, two Englishmen are strolling down a London street, when they see a stray dog licking its own testicles.

    One of the Englishmen turns to the other and says, "Say, I wish I could do that!"

    His friend watches the dog for a moment, sighs longingly, and replies,

    "I should say so! But don't you think you ought to get to know him first?"
     
    #636
  17. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?" Brunette: "I don’t know." Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
     
    #637
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    After having a problem with alcohol I’ve now decided I’m only going to drink on days beginning with the letter T….................................


    Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Taturday and Tunday............
     
    #638
  19. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

    Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they're bound to be curious about sex at that age."

    "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her damn appendix out!"
     
    #639
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Roy Hodgson was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her shopping.

    He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" to which the old lady replied, "no way you got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"
     
    #640

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