The barnsley joke page

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"Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear."

"Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole."

"Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?"

"I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her."

"Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?"

"Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year," says the little girl confidently.

 

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I went to the Patent office to register some of my camping inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"
"A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"I have also invented a folding carton."
Again she said, "what do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products, and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket

 

The worst pub I've ever been to was called "The Fiddle"

It really was a vile inn

 

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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,
"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome.
I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a
second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat.
He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods,
To find out what the par is for this damn hole!!

 

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A guy has a pet duck and they are inseparable.
Walking past the local cinema one evening, duck under his arm, man notices a one off showing of his favourite movie Casablanca, is due to start in 15 minutes. He goes to the box office to buy a ticket but is refused entry with the duck. Desperate to see the film, the man hides the duck down his trousers and returns to the box office, buys a ticket and goes to the rear stalls.
During the performance, the duck becomes restless. So as not the cause a fuss, the man opens his zip fly and the duck pops his head out for fresh air.
A courting couple are sitting next to the man, and the girl nudges her boyfriend , and whispers, "Fred. The man next to me has got his 'thing' out"
Boyfriend, " Don't fuss. You've seen one before"
Girl, "I know, but this one is eating my popcorn"

 

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