The barnsley joke page

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her opening,

I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I took my finger back out, and within seconds she was going down on me.


"I really need a new soddin' boat", I thought to myself......

 

A Primary Teacher tells her class that she is a Man. Utd. fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Man. Utd. fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Man. Utd. fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Man. Utd. fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Barnsley fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Barnsley fan?'
'Because my mum is a Barnsley fan, and my dad is a Barnsley fan, so I'm a Barnsley fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Barnsley fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Man. Utd. fan.

 

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. "Father" he confessed "it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month." The priest told the sinner "You are forgiven... go and say three Hail Mary's."


Soon after, another Irish man entered the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months." This time the priest questioned "Who is this Fanny Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood" the sinner replied. "Very well" sighed the priest, "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."


At mass the next morning - as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon - a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redhead entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny, emerald-green shoes.


The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, just enough for them to realise she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Fanny Green?"


The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes".

 

It seems this fairly successful businessman in his early 30's was getting lonely for some companionship. He was comfortably well off, lived in a nice apartment, had refined tastes, but somehow or other he could never find the perfect companion. Finally, he had an inspiration.
So our friend strolls into a pet shop and explains his problem to the sympathetic clerk. The clerk thinks for a moment, then says "I have the perfect pet for you, sir" disappears into the back of the shop, and emerges with a small cardboard box. The gentleman opens the box, but, instead of finding a dog or a cat, discovers a frog.
"A frog?" he asks disbelievingly. "Ah" says the salesman "but not just any frog. I really think you'll be surprised with this pet. May I suggest you take it home for a trial. If it does not meet with your satisfaction, feel free to bring it back within a week for a full refund".
Well, what can he lose, right? He pays the clerk, takes the box under his arm, and heads home.
When he arrives, he sets the box in a corner, takes the lid off so the frog can breathe, and looks at it for a moment. Nothing special. So he steps to the bar and mixes himself a martini. Just as he brings it to his lips, he is startled to hear a voice say "Excuse me". He looks around. There's no one there. He locked the door. He is five floors up, so there couldn't possibly be anyone outside the windows. He checks anyway, but there is no one there.
Confused, he ponders for a moment, then shrugs and lifts the drink again. And again "Pardon me". The man glances at the box. The voice seemed to be coming... from the frog? "Yes, over here".
Perplexed, he steps to the box. The frog looks up at him. "I couldn't help noticing that you made yourself an excellent martini, there". The man is confused. "You...you talk?"
The frog chuckles. "Oh, of course I talk. But that martini...well, I just happen to be a very particular martini drinker, and you mixed that one exactly the way I like mine, not too dry, not too--" The man recovers his poise. "Would you care for one?"
The frog hops gratefully out of its box. "Why, thank you. Most people are uncomfortable around frogs, I know, but I can see this is going to be different".
Well, the two get to talking, and they hit it off marvellously right away. The frog has the same taste in classical music that the man does, they both appreciate impressionist paintings, and both of them like to watch weekend tennis matches. When it comes time for dinner, the man carries the frog into the kitchen, and it offers suggestions on how to season his game hen, selects the perfect wine to accompany, and keeps up a steady flow of humorous conversation throughout the evening. The young man is delighted. The frog is, indeed, everything the pet store clerk had promised.
Presently the man began to feel tired, so he set the frog gently in its box and brought it into the bedroom. As he prepared to turn the lights out the frog discreetly clears its throat.
"I wonder..." it begins tentatively "I wonder if you would mind very much..." "What is it?" the man asks. "Well" the frog says "I feel so close to you... I mean, we share so many interests, we've eaten and drunk together... I just somehow wouldn't feel right sleeping in a box. Could you... do you think I might possibly just sleep on the pillow next to you?"
Well, the young man sees nothing wrong with this request, so he lifts the frog out of its box and sets it on the pillow. He bids it good night, turns out the lights, and gets into bed. He is just dozing off when he hears another discreet cough.
"Excuse me" the frog whispers. "I really hate to ask this, and don't think I mean anything by it, but..." It pauses. The man sighs. "What do you want?"
The frog shifts about uncomfortably. "Well, it's just that I've grown accustomed to... that is... you see, I've always been kissed good night, before". The man shakes his head. "No. I'm sorry, but no matter how unique you are, you're still a frog".
The frog interrupts. "No, no, nothing like that. Just a quick little peck on the forehead. Really. It would mean so much to me..."
Well, it sounds so plaintive, and the frog really is such a wonderful addition to his life, that he decides that this one thing can't possibly hurt that much. So he screws up his courage (and his eyes), leans over, and kisses the frog...
*****!!*
When the smoke clears, the young man is lying in bed beside a stunningly beautiful blonde, no more than sixteen years old, stark naked, smiling blissfully up at him.


"And that, your Honor, is how my client came to be..."

 

Seems that Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame was exploring new ways to advertise. He spent several days thinking on the problem and come up with an idea. Leaning over to his phone, he called the Vatican City and asked to speak to the Pope, indicating that he would like to make a sizable donation.

"Hello, my son?" "Hello, your Grace, I am calling because I would like to make a sizable donation to the Roman Catholic Church". "How nice! Why don't you send it in the mail?" "Would you like me to send one hundred million dollars in the mail?" "One hundred million dollars! Bless you, my son. Why no, of course. My representative can visit you at your convenience!" "But there is one little string attached..." "Oh?"

"You know that part in the Lord's Prayer where you say 'Give us this day our daily bread'? I'd like that changed to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'". "Oh, I see..."

The Pope covers the microphone and yells to the Cardinal attending him "How long do we still have on that Wonder Bread contract?"

 

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

“I think it’s got epilepsy” he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me”.

Paddy says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

 

The essential difference between a wife a lover and a mistress.

A lover says "do it faster!!!!!!!!!!"
A mistress says "give it harder!!"
A wife says "Beige yes Beige I think I'll paint the ceiling Beige"

 

A vet received a phone call very late one Saturday night. "Please come quick" a very agitated voice on the other end said. "My dog has swallowed a condom". "Is he in distress?" the vet asked". "You don't understand" the voice said. "My dog has swallowed a condom".

"Yes, but unless the thing has lodged in his throat it will probably pass through his system without harming the animal". "Please come quick" the voice went on undeterred. "The dog has swallowed a condom and my girlfriend is getting very distressed".

Eventually the vet gave in and promised that he would come round right away. He was just putting his coat on when the phone rang again. "About the dog that swallowed the condom" said the voice, it was a lot calmer now. "Panic over, we've found another one in the drawer".

 

We were dressed and ready to go out for a dinner & theater evening. We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parrot and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local taxi company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived, and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the parrot. My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night so, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-by to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard! She'd better not **** in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the Taxi was deafening

 

Paddy goes to his doctor complaining about being constipated ,so the doc says
“Try these and come back next week”

When Paddy arrives at the doctors the doctor asks him if the treatment worked Paddy replies
“Those things I might just as well have shoved them up my arse for all the good they done"

 

Three women go to Mexico to celebrate their college graduation. They get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to discover that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.She says: "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent". They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University Of Illinois School Of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent". They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde (of course), is strapped in and says: "Well, I'm from Ohio and just graduated from Ohio State University with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in".

 

A woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is £80 an hour."


"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

 

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending". He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?"

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?"

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?"

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?"

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?"

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"

 

A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island.
They need food, water and supplies to survive the night.

The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.
When the Dutch and the English man come back with food and water the Chinese man is nowhere to be found.

They wait a bit till they can't wait longer and start preparing the food.

The Dutch and English guy start eating and out of nowhere the Chinese guy jumps out the bushes and shouts:

"SUPPLIES !!".

 

Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".

Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her va*ina.

"How does that feel?" he asks.

"Fuc*king lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear!"

 

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."

" No way" says Mick, "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind !!"