The barnsley joke page

Van Gaal .................... Ha! Ha! Ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thought you'd like that one.

 

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her
and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on".


She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7, you're on 6".

He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same
lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm Sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again,
can you please tell me what hole I'm on".


She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14, you are on 13".

Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He
went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were
drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales".

He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?". She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he
kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.
She said, "I sell tampons". He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.


She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied "I'm so sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you".

 

Whenever I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we, as a society, have come in equality.

And then I wait for the next bus.

 

EFFECTIVE SUICIDE COUNSELLING!

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said,"Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!"
He shrugged and turned away saying,"Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

She didn't jump.........

 

Tbh I think this thread has become a bit of a joke really....

 

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.

It was a fine spring day in his new parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath

of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . .

a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly

called the local police station.The conversation went like this:


"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?""And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn andwould ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizingthe Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good
father, replied "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment . .. . .. .. ... ..........Father O'Malley then replied:"Aye,' tis certainly true;
but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which
is the reason for me call

 

A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.

The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?

The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."

 

Alcohol won't solve your problems. But then again neither will milk or orange juice.

 

Did you hear about the blonde that...
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

 

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A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

 

Why did the cow go to the cinema?
















To go and watch some moovies!

 

.

Very good Kiwi

 

My wife and I took out life insurance on each other -







- so now it's just a waiting game.

 

Mr PotatoHead at his best ............... classic stuff!

 

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."