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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

Page 285 of 836
  1. mustyfrog

    mustyfrog Well-Known Member

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    A woman hears that her 98-year-old grandfather has died, and journeys to see her grandmother. After the funeral, she asks, "How did it happen, Granny?"
    "Well, dear, it happened while we were making love one Sunday morning."
    "My goodness, Granny, two people almost 100 years old shouldn't be having sex!" the granddaughter exclaims.

    Her grandmother replies, "Well, dear, it's really a matter of patience and timing. You see, we pace ourselves to the sound of the church bells down the street. In with the ding, out with the dong... and we were doing fine until that damned ice cream truck came by!"
     
    #5681
    mustyfrog, Mar 16, 2019
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #5682
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 17, 2019
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #5683
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 17, 2019
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  4. BluefromBridgend

    BluefromBridgend Well-Known Member

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    Must have had dark glasses on to cover her black eyes.

    A remarkable feat of engineering to stop those completely falling out.
     
    #5684
    BluefromBridgend, Mar 17, 2019
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  5. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    I have been suffering from grout, it's similar to gout, but you get it after a night on the tiles....
     
    #5685
    kiwiqpr, Mar 17, 2019
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  6. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #5686
    kiwiqpr, Mar 17, 2019
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  7. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #5687
    kiwiqpr, Mar 17, 2019
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  8. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #5688
    kiwiqpr, Mar 17, 2019
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  9. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #5689
    kiwiqpr, Mar 17, 2019
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  10. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #5690
    kiwiqpr, Mar 17, 2019
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  11. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A boy comes home from school at 7pm, His dad says "Where were you...?
    "I was with Jessica." He replied.
    "What were you doing"...?
    "We were studying"...
    After picking a snack off the table the son says, "These fishcakes are lovely"...
    Dad replies, "Wash your hands son; they're ****ing donuts"...
     
    #5691
    kiwiqpr, Mar 17, 2019
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  12. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #5692
    kiwiqpr, Mar 17, 2019
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #5693
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 18, 2019
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #5694
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 18, 2019
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Two Irish Women in a Bar

    Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'

    The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am..!'

    The first one says, 'So am I..! And where about in Ireland are ya from..?'

    The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

    The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin..?'

    The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

    The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I..! So did I..! And what school did ya go to..?'

    The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'

    The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I..! Tell me, what year did you graduate..?'

    The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

    The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us..! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight..! Can you believe it..? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self..!'

    About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

    Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

    Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian..?'

    Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are f*cking drunk again.
     
    #5695
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 18, 2019
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man walks into the British Parliament office, says to the receptionist: -
    "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent M.P."

    The receptionist replied "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''

    He was filling the form OK until he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised..?''

    So he asked the receptionist - "Is that question necessary.?"

    She replied... "If you are circumcised you are not eligible"

    He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised..?

    She replied...."To become a British Member of Parliament you have to be a complete prick..!
     
    #5696
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 18, 2019
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A Yorkshireman and a Lancastrian are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road.

    To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Yorkshireman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky.

    He hands the bottle to the Lancastrian, whom exclaims,'' may Lancashire and Yorkshire live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Lancastrian man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Yorkshireman, whom replies:

    ''no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''
     
    #5697
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 18, 2019
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #5698
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 18, 2019
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #5699
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 18, 2019
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #5700
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 18, 2019
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: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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