The barnsley joke page

A lorry containing Vanish has crashed and shed it's load in Surrey.
Police say Staines has completely disappeared.

 

I can’t believe it’s nearly pancake day again.
Honestly, it just crêped up on me.

 

My mate went for a job clearing litter in the park. He asked if there was any training needed, they said no- he'd pick it up as he went along.

 

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I'm dating a girl from the zoo
I think she's a keeper

 

Will Glass Coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.

 

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I've written a book called 'How to be a Ladder Horder'.
It's a step buy step buy step buy step guide.

 

I went to the swankiest burger van ever.
It had 4 Michelin tyres.

 

I keep pictures of all my fights in a scrapbook.

 

The optician asked if I could read the names on the chart
Damon Albarn,
Graham Coxon,
Alex James,
Dave Rowntree
I said “it’s a bit blurry”

 

I quit my job working for Nike.
Just couldn’t do it anymore.

 

While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"

 

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