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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #5341
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 9, 2019
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #5342
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 9, 2019
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Because I'm a Man

    Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AA is not an option. I will win.

    Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion.

    Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

    Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

    Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

    Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole program looking for it...though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator...(applies to engineers mainly).

    Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, hunting, sex, cars, sex, tractors, sex, fishing, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

    Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

    Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the film. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

    Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

    Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2015, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.... like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

    This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.
     
    #5343
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 9, 2019
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #5344
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 10, 2019
    Makemstine Roger, kiwiqpr, Didley Squat and 1 other person like this.
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #5345
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 10, 2019
    Makemstine Roger, kiwiqpr, Didley Squat and 1 other person like this.
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #5346
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 10, 2019
    Makemstine Roger, kiwiqpr, Didley Squat and 1 other person like this.
  7. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #5347
    kiwiqpr, Jan 10, 2019
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  8. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #5348
    kiwiqpr, Jan 10, 2019
    Makemstine Roger, Wooperts_duck and San Diego like this.
  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath....throw the washing in." However, the bloke on the next table said, My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died."

    F*ck me. If the ground could have swallowed me up I'd of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?"

    He said, "No; he choked on a sock."
     
    #5349
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 11, 2019
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #5350
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 11, 2019
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #5351
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 11, 2019
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #5352
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 11, 2019
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    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #5353
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 11, 2019
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #5354
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 11, 2019
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    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #5355
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 11, 2019
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    #5356
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 11, 2019
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    #5357
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 11, 2019
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    #5358
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 11, 2019
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    #5359
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 11, 2019
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    #5360
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 11, 2019
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Page 268 of 835
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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