The barnsley joke page

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A mortician was working late one night examining dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he was amazed. Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with such a tremendously huge tallywacker as this. It has to be saved for posterity.”
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s unit. He then stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife.
“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said as he opened up his briefcase.
“Oh my God!” the wife suddenly screamed, “Schwartz is dead!

 

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It Snowed Last Night.

8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become all because of snowflakes.

 

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I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere.

But did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his Burger and fries at the drive through......

 

A guy went into a French seafood restaurant and asked to see the
dishes of the day. The waiter wheeled over a trolley with a large tank
full of various species, and the man examined the dishes.
“I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" said
the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour."
replied the waiter and called out "Gervais!"
A little French chef appeared with a large knife, the waiter
instructed the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais was just about to slice at the poor squid when he noticed a tear
running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admitted that he hadn't
the heart to kill the squid.
“Not to worry" says the waiter, and called out "Hans!!" at which an
enormous German bloke came out of the kitchen. "Sir", said the waiter,
"This is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans kill that little green squid with
the hairy lip!"
The dishwasher wielded a huge rolling pin and was just about to
bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringed back
and gave a little cry. "I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admitted, his lower lip trembling.
“Well sir," said the waiter, "it just shows......

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais, with mild green, hairy lip squid!"

I'll get my coat............

 

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