The barnsley joke page

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Magic Penis

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip abroad, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.
He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except, perhaps... The Magic Penis!'
The husband said, 'The what'?
The salesman repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be a very ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the shop door and started pounding away at the keyhole.
The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the center.
Then the salesman said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was firmly stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police traffic car was close by and the officer immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me rigid.'
The officer glared at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my ass'

The rest, as they say, is history!.......

 

A man was arrested yesterday after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it.

He’s due to he bailed tomorrow....

 

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A man has been shot with a starter pistol.

Police thinks it’s race related....

 

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Breaking News:- New Southampton management team just announced.......

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A man goes to the doctor feeling very ill. The doctor checks him over and says, “I'm Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24, because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure, so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth
.”So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the bad news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £50. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £350.Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that as well - winning £400,000!The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,“Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the National Game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!”“Lucky?” the bloke screams, “Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.”

“Blow me,” says the bingo caller, “You've won the raffle as well!”

 

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