The barnsley joke page

I bumped into an old mate of mine today.

I said, "What are you doing these days?"

He said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, drug addicts, piss heads and down and outs."

I said, "Oh, are you working for the Salvation Army?"

He said, "No. Wetherspoons!"

 

Diane Abbot asked Nigel Farage would you kiss me under the mistletoe ?

He replied I wouldn't kiss you under f*cking general anaesthetic.

 

I had a ride to the off licence last night on my bike, bought a bottle of vodka and put it in the basket on the front of the bike.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself, 'What if I fell off my bike? The bottle would break!'

So I drank all of it before I cycled home. It turned out to be a wise decision because I fell off my bike seven times before I got to my house.

 

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

 

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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'He thought he was having his picture taken'.

 

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• How many animals can you fit into a pair of tights?
• 10 Little piggies,
• 2 Calves,
• 1 Ass,
• 1 Pussy,
• 1 Beaver,
• An unknown number of hares, and one dead fish no one can find.

 

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When I was on holiday in Egypt last summer, some Egyptian fellow in the car in front beeped his horn & bared his naked bum at me out of the window.

I thought, ‘Bloody toot and car moon.’

 

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I was offered sex with a Victoria's Secret model. In exchange, I had to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on my Facebook page.

Of course I declined as I'm a man of high morals and standards and strong will power.

Just as strong as Ajax, the incredibly strong bathroom cleaner. Available in Lemon scent and Vanilla.........