A man is walking along the pavement dragging his leg behind him when he notices another man walking towards him dragging his leg as well. As the two men pass each other one man points at his leg indicating an old war wound and says, "Vietnam 30 years back." The second man points down at his and replies, "Dog sh*t, 30 yards back."
Two lads started fighting in the playground at lunch. So like everybody else I ran over to watch, joining in the chants of " bite him", "kick his bollocks", "poke his eyes out" and "smash his face in." Apparently this was "unacceptable behaviour and as a teacher I should have broken the fight up"....
A Winchester woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?' She replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what?............ 'A Rectum Stretcher!' 'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked 'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge..
A group of Arizona bikers were riding on the US-93 heading South when they came to the Hoover Dam where they saw a girl about to jump to her death. So they stopped their bikes and George, their 53 year-old burly leader, got off and made his way through the throng of gawkers, and passed the State Trooper who had been despatched to talk the girl down, and stopped near to where the girl was standing. George looked up at her and said “Watchca babe .... what you doing up there in that railing?” “I’m going to kill myself ...” she tearfully responded. Whilst he didn’t want to appear to be sensitive, George also didn’t want to miss the opportunity to ‘be a legend.’ “Hey honey babe, why don’t you give old George here your best last kiss before you jump?” So, without hesitation, she leaned back over the railings and gave George a long lingering kiss, quickly followed by an even longer and better smacker. After they breathlessly finished, George was given the thumbs-up from his fellow bikers, and even the State Trooper gave a nod of approval. “Wow, Honey, that’s the best kiss I’ve ever had. That’s a real talent you’re wasting, Sugar Shorts.” “You could be famous if you joined our band of bikers.” “Why do you want to kill yourself?” asked George “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.” It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.....
I had my 5 year old nephew try on a dress because he might be trans and he should get to explore gender fluidity. But he kept shouting, "I don't like dresses! Dresses are for girls!" What a transphobic little ****.