The barnsley joke page

Love this one, very good

 

My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.

He is now classed as a seasoned veteran.

 

Two policemen (Constables Ken and Bob) call the station on the radio.

"Hello. Is that you Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No Sarge. The floor is still wet.

 

Two Islamic fundamentalists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in themiddle seat.

Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to getup and get a Coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetchit.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way?'
'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'

 

A man is stuck in traffic on the Hume Highway at Bass Hill.
He asked a Police officer about the delay, as he is
walking from car to car, speaking with each driver.The Policeman says, “There are three Muslims blocking the traffic and threatening to douse themselves with petrol and set themselves on fire if we don’t get them airline tickets to the Middle East. So we’re taking up a collection for them.”The Man replies “How much have you got so far?”The Policeman responds, “About 60 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times:

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask
the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The
driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and
stopped just inches from a large plate window. For a few moments everything was
silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you
scared the daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver
and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so
badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."*

 

-
The Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered,
half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed
and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain . Very hot,
relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece . Gently
aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain ,
with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel . Has been
through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice,
takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada .
Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet .Wildly beautiful, with a
mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.An
adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.






THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN


Between 1 and 80, a man is like North Korea and Zimbabwe; ruled by a pair of nuts.

 

Golf Panties....The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'

 

The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think about me?" Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

 

This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of the Lost Ark". I was surprised how this worked.
Be honest and
don't look at the movie list till you have done the maths!
Try this test and find out what movie is your favourite.

This amazing maths quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most.
Don't ask me how, but it really works! Movie Test: Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite movie in the list of 18 movies below.






Movie List:

1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Sheep
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

Go on admit it – It’s right every time isn't it.....?

 

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be a POLITICIAN.

 

Q: What's the difference between an illegal immigrant and ET?

A: ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own ****ing bike, and wanted to go home!

 

Whats worse than finding a hole in your condom?

Finding a condom in your hole!

 

Bill and Hillary
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said:
"I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
And Hillary did so promise.
Through the entire 30 years of their marriage, Hillary had never looked.
But, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of
her. She lifted the lid and peeked inside.
Inside the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious
as to why there was such a box, and with those contents.
That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she
confessed, saying, "I'm so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my
promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However,
today the temptation was too much and I gave in. And now I need
to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put
an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to
do it again.
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica.
I'm disappointed and saddened by your behaviour; however, since
you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen, and I guess 3 times
is not that bad considering your problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and
made their peace.
A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that
money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans,
I took them to the recycling centre."

 

I was having sex the other day, banging away, when suddenly I stopped mid-thrust and stood really still.

"What are you doing?" said my wife,

"Something I learnt from online porn. It's called 'buffering'."

 

Registration on the first day back at school in Broadmeadows, Melbourne........



Ahmed Al Sheriah?

"here"



Mustafa Al Sheriah?

"here"



Fatima El Bindiri?

"here"



Ali Achmah Shabeeb?

"here"



Ali Sun Al En?

No answer!

Ali Sun Al En?



A little girl at the back stands up and says: "For ****'s sake. It's pronounced Alison Allen!"

 

The New Book

So, I was walking through the mall and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store."
I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims?"

The clerk said, "**** off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?

 

Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, "There is a easy way to get what you want."
The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."
The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!" The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10."
The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15."
The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"

 

A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes".
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
"She said" "Most of them become taxi drivers."

 

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her To bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for Her.
As the doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs.. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks. and believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."
You gotta Love Grandmas