The barnsley joke page

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A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.
He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:
"Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"

 

No more overseas holidays.....
My wife was going thru customs and was caught with 20 kilos of crack in her undies.

 

A famous lawyer, who had been a public defender for years, dies. He finds himself standing at the back of an enormous line outside the gates of Heaven. The number of people who die in a single day appalls him. He can barely see St Peter sitting up on a podium outside the gates with a large book.
Every now and then St Peter glances down the line to see how he is going. Suddenly he catches the eye of the lawyer. He looks very surprised. He jumps down from the podium and comes running along the line until slightly out of breath he arrives beside the lawyer. He embraces him. He pulls him out of the queue and motions for him to come to the front of the line.
Another person questions what is happening and another angel speaks to the person. Word is passed along the line and the lawyer is surprised, as people start nodding and clapping. He becomes embarrassed by all the attention and asks St Peter why he is getting the special attention.
St Peter stops suddenly and looks concerned. "You ARE a lawyer aren't you?'
Yes" the lawyer replies. "Does this happen to all lawyers in heaven?"
"Oh, no, "Said St Peter. "It's just you are the first one to ever get here."