The barnsley joke page

NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER"
Come all ye fair young maidens and harken unto me,
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.Randier than a sailor who's been six months at sea,
Never let a cricketer's hand an inch above your knee.
First let's take the paceman, pure speed from first to last,
My darlings do be careful; his balls are hard and fast.Then there's the medium pacer, his balls swing either way;
He's really most persistent and can keep it up all day!And watch for the off-spinner, girls, another awkward chap
If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap!Then there's the wily 'slowy', pure cunning is his strength;
He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you with his very subtle length.So ladies, do be careful, your mothers would agree.
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease!
He has only one ambition, to spend all day at the crease.The number threeis a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes.
When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes..And do beware the slogger, not content with one or two;
When he arrives at the crease then only six will do.Then there's the real stonewaller, girls, he knows what he's about;
And if you let him settle in, it's hard to get him out!We come now to the last man, I hope this will not shock,
He doesn't mind if he's last man in, as long as he gets a knock.So, darlings, do be careful, and be well warned by me:
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.And watch the wicketkeeper, girls, he's full of flair and dash;
And if you raise your heel, he'll whip them off in a flash.If you take the field with the captain, you had better know the score;
Or he'll have you in positions that you never knew before!The cricket commentator is a nasty sort of bloke,
He watches all the action and describes it stroke by stroke.Even the kindly umpire, who looks friendly as a pup;
You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his finger up!So, darlings, please remember and repeat it after me:
“NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER, WHOEVER HE MAY BE!!!!!”

 

After
retiring, George's wife insisted that he accompany her on her trips to
TESCO. (a British Supermarket Chain) Unfortunately, like most men, George
found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, his wife is like most women - she loves to browse..
Yesterday his wife received the following letter from the local TESCO:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you
from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed
below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
(1.) January 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.
(2.) February 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
(3.) February 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
(4.) February 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'..
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a
reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance,
causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have
a Code 3.
(5.) March 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layby
(6.) March 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
(7.) March 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
(8.) March 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
(9.) April 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror
while he picked his nose.
(10.) April 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the
clerk where the antidepressants were.
(11.) April 23: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
(12.) May 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using
different sizes of funnels.
(13...) May 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
(14.) May 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a
fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
(15.) June 5: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is
the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
(16.) June 14: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the
clerks passed out.

 

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

 

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walkedinto the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is .... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek."The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future."

 

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk,
"Dooo youuuu have dilllldooos?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos
Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,
tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Dddooo yyoouu kknnnooww hhhoww ttooo ttturrrnn iittt offff?"

 

Airline Catering Problem

Airborne less than 30 minutes on an outbound evening flight, the "A" stew – lead flight attendant – for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible last minute error by our airport catering service. I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience."

When passenger muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our flight."
Her next announcement came 90 minutes later.
"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available.”

 

OK, here we go. Make sure you don't have a mouth full of drink before reading this, you will choke and spit your drink our. You have been warned...

Anyway here it is...

I'm not normally superstitious, but saw a fortune teller the other day and she told me I would come into some money soon.

She was right! Last night I shagged a slut called Penny, spooky or what?

 

It gets better, try this one...

I always feel a bit uneasy watching Wimbledon with the Wife, it just gives me flashbacks of Saturday nights.

"How much for a shag?"

15 love.

 

It was raining hard and.........
a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' replied the old man.

'Poor old bugger' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,

'And how many have you caught today?'

'You're the eighth.'

 

Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall wore a pair of new shoes for her wedding.

That night, when the celebration was over and they retired to their room.
She flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me."
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales tried the right shoe but the shoe would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".
Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groanand Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,"See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe,he cried,"Oh God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,"That's my boy! He served in the Navy.Once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"

 

Two old guys talking:
One said to the other:
"My 85th birthday yesterday.
Wife gave me an SUV"

Other guy:
"Wow, that's amazing!
Imagine, an SUV!
What a great gift!"

First guy:
"Yup. …
Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

 

“I have some good news and, I have some bad news….”

The tycoon replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first?"

The solicitor says: “Well your wife invested £5,000 in two pictures this
Week that she thinks are worth a minimum of £2 to £3 million.”

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done…very good news indeed!
You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The solicitor replies:

“The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

 

A Kiwi and an Aussie are riding through the sheep country when they discover a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. The Kiwi gets off his horse, strides over to the sheep, shags it, and them gets back on his horse. He looks at the Aussie who is staring at him and says, "Sorry mate, do ya want a go too?" "Alright," says the Aussie and gets off his horse and walks over to the fence where the sheep is still stuck. After a pause, he looks back at the Kiwi and asks "Do I have to put my head in the fence?"

 

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, but I just got out of jail. I was locked up for punching the **** out of this idiot at a party. In my defense, when you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your instincts kick in

 

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young, female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out. I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny."

 

My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going. "I said to her, 'Judging by the look on your face, you're going, 'cus when you're coming you look like a ****ing Down Syndrome Kid trying to whistle!"