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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. mustyfrog

    mustyfrog Well-Known Member

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    My nephew called and asked me if I would loan him $300 to help him pay his rent... And y'all know me always willing to help my friends and family out... I told him..." let me check and I'll call you right back." But Before I could check with my O’l man his mom calls and says, "Don’t you give him any money cause he's lying.”... My nephew tells me that he wants to take that $300 and get his girlfriend out of jail ...cause he wants to be under the same roof with her for his birthday!!!
    So I thought about it for a minute, and decided to give him the $300 cuz we all need help at times... So I called him back and said, "I got you." Come get it

    A couple hours later, I got a call from the county Jail, and it was him I said hello and he starts screaming and saying “Why did you give me counterfeit money?!"
    I said: " so you and your girlfriend would be under the same roof for your birthday!!!"
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    #4561
    mustyfrog, Sep 16, 2018
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  2. mustyfrog

    mustyfrog Well-Known Member

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    At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom, it was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
    The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.
    Everything quickly turned to chaos.
    The bride slapped the groom.
    The groom's mother fainted.
    The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

    The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
    The woman replied, "We can't HEAR in the back."
     
    #4562
    mustyfrog, Sep 16, 2018
    Gordon Armstrong, kiwiqpr, Wooperts_duck and 1 other person like this.
  3. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Yorkshire road works
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    #4563
    kiwiqpr, Sep 17, 2018
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  4. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Ways to look busy:
    1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
    2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
    3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
    4. Get annoyed at a printer
    5. Just generally look annoyed
     
    #4564
    kiwiqpr, Sep 17, 2018
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  5. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    how we used to unfriend people

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    #4565
    kiwiqpr, Sep 17, 2018
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  6. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    That escalated quickly.

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    #4566
    kiwiqpr, Sep 17, 2018
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    On her recent visit to Northern Ireland, Diane Abbott was asked what she thought of County Down.

    She replied "I preferred it when Carol Vorderman was on it"
     
    #4567
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 17, 2018
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    One evening, after the honeymoon, Tom was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should also consider selling your Harley and all your welding equipment along with your gun collection, and your fishing gear, and the boat and lose all those stupid model airplanes, plus dump that vintage hot rod sports car, and your home brewing equipment..."

    Tom got a horrified look on his face.

    She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

    He replied, "There for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

    "Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

    Tom replied, “I wasn't.."
     
    #4568
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 17, 2018
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #4569
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 17, 2018
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #4570
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 17, 2018
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #4571
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 17, 2018
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #4572
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 17, 2018
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  13. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #4573
    kiwiqpr, Sep 18, 2018
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    The Police knocked on my door yesterday and asked me to take down my Islamic State flag.

    Turned out I had black tablecloth hung out on the line and a bird had shat on it!
     
    #4574
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 18, 2018
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    To all insomniacs out there:

    Great news - only 3 sleeps til Christmas ...
     
    #4575
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 18, 2018
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    The hardest day of my life was when I was 6 years old, my father went out to buy a packet of cigarettes and never came back.

    I had to go a whole f*cking day without a smoke.
     
    #4576
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 18, 2018
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #4577
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 18, 2018
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    Cyberman spotted on the bus this morning

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    #4578
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 18, 2018
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #4579
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 18, 2018
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #4580
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 18, 2018
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Page 229 of 835
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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