The barnsley joke page

• Political correctness gone mad!
• I"m advertising for a new job at my company and so in the advert I politely put "Muslims and Jews need not apply."
• Muslims are generally cool about it,
• Jews don"t care - it"s just those f*ckers from the council who are round straight away threatening me with a court summons for active racial discrimination. Stupid, dopey bastards.
• I"m a pork butcher, for f*ck"s sake.

 

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• My mate Sid was a victim of I.D. theft.
• 
  
• He"s just called S now.

 

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There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.
They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late.
You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy.
Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my Mrs. If she is sleeping On her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''
George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late

 

Just saw a chap in Homebase shouting abuse at cans of adhesive.

Must be awful to be glue tin intolerant

 

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Hope what happened with Serena Williams doesn't affect her mattress contract too.

It would be the second time this week she'd have lost her tempur.

 

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I brought a satnav today with Bono's voice on it, it was rubbish!

The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

 

• A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital, just before his operation.
• A nurse stopped him and asked,"What"s the matter?"
• He said,"I heard the nurse say, "It"s a very simple operation, don"t worry, I"m sure it will be all right."
• "She was just trying to comfort you, what"s so frightening about that?"
• "She was talking to the doctor!"

 

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Apparently origami is due to debut at the 2020 Olympics.

Unfortunately it will only be available to watch on paper view

 

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