The barnsley joke page

• Why did the blonde, throw breadcrumbs in the toilet bowl?
• 
  
• To feed the toilet duck.

 

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The young couple next door have made a sex video.

Obviously they don't know yet.

 

I was walking out of ASDA just now with my shopping when a man approached me and asked, "Would you be interested in joining the AA?"

F*ck sake, just because I have 20 bottles of beer in my trolley you have me down as an alcoholic. Judgemental b*stard.

 

Poor old Jeremy Corbyn's in trouble again for choosing McAfee antivirus on his laptop.

They're accusing him of being Anti Symantec

 

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I was gutted today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine.

She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.

 

Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, living in Auckland, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works.."

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do..."

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jack:
"Then we'd like to use this shop for our wedding presents list..."

 

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Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”
The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.”
“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”

 

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