The barnsley joke page

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I was in Curry’s with the Mrs earlier and asked her, what’s your favourite Tellytubby?

She said "Tinky Winky".

I said no, which television do you like fatty

 

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• My wife recently complained about my lack of interest in her family.
• 
  
• So I shagged her sister.

 

• Have you heard about the famous Asian Karaoke artist from Bradford?
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• Gerupta Singh!

 

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died...I'm married to his widow!".

 

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, "Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot.

 

I've had a great morning watching the British Submarine Racing Championships today - Here's one of my photo's ... Enjoy ...

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My Rezimay

Deer Sur,
I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the
Paper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do
Sum Acounting 2. I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole
Person. Pepole really seam to respond goodly to me.
I'm lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it Kant be 2
Complikaited. My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a
Job Bcuz of my persinalety.. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want
To pay me and wat you think that I am wurth, I can start imeditely.
Thank you in advanse 4 yore Anser. Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.
Sinseerly,
Peggy May McBiggins
PS : I half includeded a pickture of me

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Christmas day is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.

 

True story:

Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were £1 for cars,
£5 for busses.
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.
The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.
The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then had simply begun to show up every day, to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £360 per day -- for 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £7 million pounds!...

.....And no one even knows his name

 

Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"

Bride says "Well . . . . .I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse !!!"

 

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