The barnsley joke page

Just watched an advert on TV about controlling issues of incontinence.

I pissed myself laughing....

...then I hit rewind and took down the number.

 

Police Officer Test
How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?
The answer is found below. I just know this question has been on your minds for years!

QUESTION: You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

ANSWER:
Australian Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

6) Could I run away?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?


Canadian Police Officer:
BANG !

American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !


Glasgow Police Officer:

"Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"

 

I witnessed disgusting behaviour on the beach today. A man and woman were arguing in front of kids, then she smacked him on the head and it kicked off between them. A policeman turned up and used his baton on the man, who took if off him and started to hit the policeman and the woman with it.

Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages

 

WALKING ON THE GRASS
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfacelike grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you togo walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowlyraised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

This level of sensitivity can't be taught.

 

Son said to Dad “I'm Gay.”
Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?”
Other son said “Me too Dad.”
Dad said “doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?”
The Daughter said ““I do….“”

 

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. …then said,
“That's gonna be a bit awkward init?”
“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”

 

Bloke goes to Asda with his wife. He sees 20 cans of lager on offer at £10, but his wife refuses to allow him to buy them saying they can't afford them.

His wife then selects face cream at £20. The bloke objects to her buying it as they can't afford it.

"Yes, but the cream makes me look young and beautiful so I've got to buy it," she says.

The bloke replies: "So does the lager and it's only £10."

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A class was given a homework assignment to find out something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little
boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class. He
picked up a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard
and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a 'period'," he replied.
"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a 'period'?"
"Darned if I know," said the boy,
"but yesterday my sister was missing one,
Mom fainted,
Dad had a heart attack
and the boy next door joined the Navy."

 

could this be about the Barnsley whippet

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "8 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at
the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the
scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly.. No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He does this again & again.
No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell areyou doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds,
"Genius, my a**e. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

 

The Irish divorce.
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law , Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife , Mary, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Mary would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation ..... ... She never got your e-mail!"

 

Just spent an hour at Aldi's and I no longer believe in evolution.

 

A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for
giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $200,000 dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to
donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you
card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind
gesture as he had before.He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW,
diamonds and money .... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a
box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

 

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for
the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish
wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget
all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never
lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.
It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do,
do not let him get you in that hold!
If he does, you're finished.'
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match
started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other
several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the
Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping
him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of
disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried
his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.
He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a
cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just
in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His
back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on
top of him, making the pin and winning the match..
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler
alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No
one has ever done it before!'
The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he
got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my
eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my
face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of
strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just
as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite
your own nuts.