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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.
    They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so.
    St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
    The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."
    St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.
    St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."
    "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.
    Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"
    Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it!"
     
    #4121
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 30, 2018
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A 5 year old boy and his 3 year old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

    The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says: 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, OK?'

    'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

    The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.

    'Oh, s*it Mum, I don't know, I think I’ll have some Cornflakes.'

    WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

    She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do you want for breakfast, young man?'

    'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f*cking Cornflakes!'
     
    #4122
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 30, 2018
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4123
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 30, 2018
    Makemstine Roger and San Diego like this.
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    When a young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all on his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

    While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

    The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

    The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

    After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”

    He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

    Now nude, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”

    Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It’s has to be your ears.”

    Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural.

    I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin — not a blemish anywhere.

    How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?”

    Clearing his throat, he stammered... “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.”
     
    #4124
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 30, 2018
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  5. Wooperts_duck

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    #4125
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 30, 2018
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    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4126
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 30, 2018
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London.

    Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
     
    #4127
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 30, 2018
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  8. Wooperts_duck

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    #4128
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 31, 2018
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  9. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    You don't know pressure until you're the only black guy on a basketball court or dance floor.
     
    #4129
    kiwiqpr, Jul 31, 2018
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Just failed my driving test. The examiner asked, "What sign would you expect to see on a narrow country lane?"

    Apparently, "Summer Fayre, next Saturday at the village hall" is the wrong answer.
     
    #4130
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 31, 2018
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  11. Wooperts_duck

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    #4131
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 1, 2018
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  12. Wooperts_duck

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    #4132
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 1, 2018
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    #4133
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 1, 2018
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    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4134
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 1, 2018
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4135
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 1, 2018
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Bad sunburn !
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    #4136
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 1, 2018
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4137
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 1, 2018
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    As it's Yorkshire Day today, I'll share one of my favourite Yorkshire jokes with you.

    A guy from Leeds goes to the vets.
    Vet says, "I hear you've got a problem with your cat?"
    "Aye, I ave" the guy replies.
    "Is it a tom?" the Vet asks?
    "No", the man says, "I've brought it with me."
     
    #4138
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 1, 2018
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4139
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 1, 2018
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    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #4140
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 1, 2018
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Page 207 of 835
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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