The barnsley joke page

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken

for the rest of my life?"

"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then,

just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked

'NO REFILLS'.."

 

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

 

<MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE





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Needs no explanation...and is a fun read no matter your gender.
Men Are Just Happier People --

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What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

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A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough.. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color.. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

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You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

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NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

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EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

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MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

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BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

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ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

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MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

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DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

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NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

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OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

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A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.. '
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
Salvation Army, Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple.'
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills....
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D,DD, E , F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?If you have wondered why,
but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for,
it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!

 

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.


The husband picks up a case of Carling and puts it in their cart.


"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.


"They're on sale, only $15 for 24 cans" he replies.


"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, they carry on shopping.


A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $30 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.


"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.


"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.


Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Carling and it's half the price."

The hospital hopes to bring him out of his coma soon

 

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE







(1)Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2)Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3)Nothing:This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4)Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5)Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6)That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7)Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8)Whatever:Is a woman's way of saying Go Ahead (see #4 above)

(9)Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.



* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

 

Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They
> >bag six.
> >
> >
> >As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot
> >says "The plane can only take four of those."
> >
> >
> >The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let
> >us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
> >
> >
> >Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even
> >with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes
> >and crashes in the middle of nowhere.
> >
> >
> >A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick,
> >"Any idea where we are?"
> >
> >
> >"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." Says Mick.

 

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:







Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet..


Inspector :-What is her height ?


Husband:-I never checked.


Inspector :-Slim or healthy ?.


Husband:-Not slim can be healthy.


Inspector :-Color of eyes ?


Husband :-Never noticed.


Inspector :-Color of hair ?


Husband :-Changes according to season.


Inspector :-What was she wearing?


Husband :Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.


Inspector :-Was she driving?


Husband :-yes.


Inspector :-tell me the number,name & color of the car ? . . . .. .

Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode.And it has full LED headlights,which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.&#8230;.and then the husband started crying...


-


-


Inspector:-Don't worry sir,... . .We will find your car.

 

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,





'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
Sermon complete, he sat down...
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

 

The Buttocks
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the
Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body
Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate
Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body
That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
from her buttocks.
Owing to the sensitive nature of the situation...they all agreed that they
would tell no one about where the skin came from.
After the surgery.....
everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than ever ! All his
Friends and relatives raved about his youthful
appearance...especially his mother!
One day, while alone with his wife, and
overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,
I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied,
'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother
kiss you on the cheek.'

 

My wife and I were in Paris when I asked a local girl, "Would you mind taking a few photos of us?"

Smiling, she said, "No, not at all."

I replied, "Great. We're staying in the Hilton, room 403."

 

In the pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?? Answer ..Throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this when a big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said ' dont find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits'..
I said ' Sorry mate did he drown?'
'No ' he said' he choked on a sock'...

 

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced
by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.

Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks?" Paddy said.

 

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,

"Do you want the winner of the next race?"

Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."

 

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came
flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Got him a Fosters ....... he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram.

 

A Scotsman buys several sheep,
Hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices
That none of the sheep are getting
Pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should
Try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the
Slightest idea what this means but,
Not wanting to display his ignorance,
Only asks the vet how he will know
When the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop
Standing around, and instead will
Lie down, and wallow in the grass,
When they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it
Some thought. He comes to the
Conclusion that artificial insemination
Means he has to impregnate
The sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his
Land Rover, drives them out into
The woods, has sex with them all,
Brings them back, then goes to bed..
Next morning,he wakes and looks
Out at the sheep. Seeing that they
Are all still standing around, he
Deduces that the first try didn't take,
And loads them in the Land Rover
Again.
He drives them out to the woods,
Bangs each sheep twice for good
Measure, brings them back, and
Goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find
The sheep still just standing around.
"Try again." he tells himself, and
Proceeds to load them up, and drive
Them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the
Sheep, and upon returning home,
Falls knackered into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even
Raise himself from the bed to look
Out of the window..
He asks his wife to look, and tell him
If the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No,"she says, "They're all in the Land Rover,
And one of them is beeping the horn."

 

Kiwi, memorizing your jokes has made me very popular down my local.

Keep them coming mate!

 

I was shopping at

Bunning's Hardware



The other day

When I bumped into the

&#8216;Legendary Entertainer&#8217;...


Rolf Harris.



I was so excited I said to him,

"I remember you doing Two Little Boys in 1970".

He said ....



&#8220;**** off!...
That was Gary Glitter.&#8221;

 

I saw a farmer today sat on some straw. I said to him "aren't you that bloke that was sent to prison." He says " yes,but I'm out on bale."

 

Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the very first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gonna put me on sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane.'

Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.

The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some floe resant orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis here plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first...'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties...

What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain&#8217;t wearing nopanties cos, honey, dey always look for da Black Box first.'