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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3681
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 5, 2018
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • Yesterday a severe stutterer was sent to prison for drink driving.

    • He was given six months but the police don't think he will finish his sentence.
     
    #3682
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 5, 2018
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • At an English university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
    • "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to a student, "what is the opposite of joy?"
    • "Sadness," replied the diligent student.
    • "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of another student.
    • "Elation," she said.
    • "And you, sir," he said to an American student, "what about the opposite of woe?"
    • The Yank replied, "Sir, I believe that would be "giddy up"."
     
    #3683
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 5, 2018
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3684
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 5, 2018
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3685
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 5, 2018
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  6. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #3686
    kiwiqpr, Jun 5, 2018
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  7. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    UFO caught on tape.
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    #3687
    kiwiqpr, Jun 5, 2018
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3688
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 5, 2018
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  9. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #3689
    kiwiqpr, Jun 5, 2018
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Women are very strange creatures. They love lingerie and they love car boot sales.

    Yet when I buy my wife some lingerie from the car boot sale for her birthday I suddenly turn into a useless, thoughtless b*stard.
     
    #3690
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 6, 2018
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3691
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 7, 2018
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3692
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 7, 2018
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3693
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 7, 2018
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  14. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    My pregnant wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked "Does it make my butt look big?"
    I texted back "Noo!"
    My phone autocorrect my response to "Moo!"
    Please send help!
     
    #3694
    kiwiqpr, Jun 8, 2018
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  15. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school.
    One of the many questions on human anatomy asked was to rearrange the letters “PNEIS" into the name of "an important human body part which is most useful when erect."
    Those who answered "spine" are now doctors
    The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.
     
    #3695
    kiwiqpr, Jun 8, 2018
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  16. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
    The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
    He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
    The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
    "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the heck were you when I got married?"
     
    #3696
    kiwiqpr, Jun 8, 2018
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • What do you call a woman who can spread her legs from one side of a tennis court to the other?

    • Annette.
     
    #3697
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 8, 2018
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  18. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A NEWLYWED couple move into their new house.One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says: “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?”

    The husband says: “What do I look like, Mr Plumber?”

    A few days go by, he comes home from work and his wife says: “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?”

    The husband says: “What do I look like, Mr Kwik Fit?”

    Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard.

    The wife says: “Honey, the roof’s leaking. Can you please fix it?” He says: “What do I look like, Tommy Walsh?”

    The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed.

    So is the plumbing and the car. He asks what happened.

    His wife says: “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them.”

    “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls.

    She replies: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.”

    “Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband.

    “What do I look like,” she says, “Mary Berry?”
     
    #3698
    kiwiqpr, Jun 8, 2018
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • I went to a restaurant and ordered "soup of the day" for starters.
    • The waiter brought the soup
    • .Five minutes later, I called the waiter and said, "I can't eat this!"
    • The waiter said, "Sir, our chef has cooked the same soup, to the same recipe for the last 12 years and nobody has ever complained until now, why can't you eat it?"
    • I said, "because you didn't bring me a spoon, you daft twat!"
     
    #3699
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 8, 2018
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3700
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 8, 2018
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Page 185 of 834
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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