The barnsley joke page

https://bit.ly/2L9jWx6

 

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

 

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it......
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition......
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years......
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.....
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.....
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
tell you something about my family.....
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.....
"No problem"... He says.. And in they go....
Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.....
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.....
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.....
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.....
He leans over and kisses Sandra.....
No one says a word.....
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.....
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table
and screws her, right there in front of her parents......
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.....
He looks at her mum. She's got a great body too.....
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose
right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, an Joe sits down....
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and Mum is beaming from ear to ear. But still.....Total silence.....
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.....
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.....
Suddenly the father shouts.
I'll do the ****in’ dishes.....!!

 

The police have been told to be aware of Fulham fans bringing flares to Wembley for the Play Off Final
Apparently that's what they wore last time they were there!

 

Nothing prepares you for the look the cashier gives you when you buy a flashlight, tampons, and WD-40

 

The Queen reveals her wedding gift to Harry and Meghan will be something small and not too flashy that’s been in the family for years, or as she likes to call it -
Papua New Guinea.

 

A lonely frog, desparate for some form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"

"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."