The barnsley joke page

FEEL SAFE AT HOME AT LAST!
Hi this works 100% !!!!
I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the centre.
The local police, MI5 and other intelligence services are all now watching my house 24/7.
I've never felt safer.

Oh by the way, the beard is coming on a treat.

 

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Suddenly he hears someone say, "Hey, nice tie!" The man looks up to try to find out who said it, but no one was around.

"Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up again, but there's nobody there.

"Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.

The bartender replies, "It's not me; it's the complimentary peanuts."

 

A man walks into an Ann Summers shop to purchase some see-through lingerie for
his wife..

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price,
the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and
model it for him

Upstairs the wife thinks:
“I have an idea.
It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get
a £150 refund and keep the money for myself.”

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.

His funeral is this Thursday.

 

Husband went to the Sheriff's Department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Colour of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant: Colour of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

 

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

 

A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.
Later that night her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly it also works on him and the woman sleeps very soundly for a change.
The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused.
He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's scrotum. He looks at the dog and says "Boy, I don't remember what the hell happened last night, but wherever you and I were, we got first and second place".

 

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him.

"You know" said the doctor "you really have to learn to trust me"...

 

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet. Yorkshireman says "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat" Vet asks "Is it a tom?" Yorkshireman replies "Nay, I've browt it with us".

 

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor askes her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."
"The bastard called again"

 

It is just before Scotland v England in the World Cup Group game.
Rooney goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're ****e and we can't be bothered".
Rooney looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Rooney goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Rooney 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Rooney 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McShagnasty 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
"I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down...
I got sent off after 12 minutes"

 

The Meaning of Aplomb.

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly. "May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship. "I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on." "What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
"Aplomb," My Lord. "Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure." "Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?" "I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them." "Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?" "I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs." "While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply." "I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice,
'Darling, does your prick still throb?'
And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!

THAT is "aplomb."