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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #3561
    Wooperts_duck, May 13, 2018
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

    I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning...........
     
    #3562
    Wooperts_duck, May 13, 2018
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #3563
    Wooperts_duck, May 13, 2018
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #3564
    Wooperts_duck, May 13, 2018
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #3565
    Wooperts_duck, May 13, 2018
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  6. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Saudi man sentenced to 1,000 lashes for performing oral sex on a camel
    TOPICS:bestialitycrimehomosexualityoral sexsaudi arabiasex
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    Jizan | A 26-year-old Saudi Arabian man has been sentenced to 1,000 lashes and two months in jail after he allegedly performed oral sex on one of his employer’s camels, reports the Riyadh Herald this week.
    Abdullah al-Rashidi, 26, was tending to the herd of camels when he was caught performing a fellatio on one of the animals before local authorities were called in and proceeded to his arrest.
    Al-Rashidi’s employer first hesitated before calling the police but said he could not tolerate such an act of perversion before God and that his employee’s actions needed to be punished.
    “When I found him licking the camel’s penis, he first told me that he was drinking the sperm from the camel to cure his oral herpes infection,” his employer told the judge.
    “I then asked him where he had heard that swallowing the sperm of a camel was a cure for anything,” he explained, visibly concerned.
    “He then started crying and admitted that he just liked the taste. That is when I called the police,” his employer said in court.
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    Drinking camel urine is reputed to have many health benefits but sperm is not known to have any curative powers admit experts.
    A disgrace to God
    Judge Muhammad El Fehdi expressed his moral disgust towards the young man, warning him that he had not only disgraced himself but his entire family before God.
    “How ashamed your father and mother must be and how much they must regret giving birth to a son who enjoys fondling the genitals of camels,” the judge said in court.
    Al-Rashidi’s parents also pleaded the judge to give their son a harsh punishment so as to deter him from repeating the offense.
    “I already have to live with the shame of having a son who likes putting camel penises into his mouth, may this punishment at least scare him away from turning into a homosexual,” she pleaded the judge.
    Not the first time
    Under intense questioning from the judge, the defendant admitted that it was not his first offense but that he had taken part in such activities previously a number of times.
    “I don’t know why I did it. I knew it was wrong but I could not resist,” said the young man, bursting into tears.
    “Often sex with animals can lead to sleeping with human corpses or even worse, homosexuality,” the judge warned the defendant.
    “You are a young man who is starting your life, and so I will give you a light punishment, but if you are to repeat this immoral and disgraceful practice, next time I will be less lenient,” the judge told the young man.
    Abdullah al-Rashidi was sentenced to 1,000 lashes and two months in prison. According to Shariah law, in the case of bestiality, the animal becomes “unfit” and must be killed.
    He was also sentenced to pay SR 18,000 ($5,000 USD) to replace the worth of five of the camels he admitted having inappropriate relations with.
     
    #3566
    kiwiqpr, May 13, 2018
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    Three hundred thousand BMWs have been recalled with a serious electrical fault.


    Apparently their indicators started working.......
     
    #3567
    Wooperts_duck, May 13, 2018
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #3568
    Wooperts_duck, May 13, 2018
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    Trafalgar Square Fact - Not many know that Nelson was 5'6" in real life. His statue in the Square is 17'4".

    That's a Horatio of around 3 to 1 :)
     
    #3569
    Wooperts_duck, May 13, 2018
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    UK WINS EUROVISION SONG CONTEST AFTER DIANE ABBOTT COUNTS THE VOTES !!

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    #3570
    Wooperts_duck, May 13, 2018
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #3571
    Wooperts_duck, May 13, 2018
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #3572
    Wooperts_duck, May 13, 2018
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  13. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #3573
    kiwiqpr, May 14, 2018
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #3574
    Wooperts_duck, May 14, 2018
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    I hate it when parents name their kids after s*it they can’t afford.

    Mercedes.
    Ruby.
    Porche.
    Gas
    Lecky
    Phone bill
    Council tax.....
     
    #3575
    Last edited: May 15, 2018
    Wooperts_duck, May 14, 2018
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #3576
    Wooperts_duck, May 14, 2018
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #3577
    Wooperts_duck, May 15, 2018
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #3578
    Wooperts_duck, May 15, 2018
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.
    The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
    Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
    Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
    Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
    Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked.
    After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
    "Well," Johnny replied,
    "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
     
    #3579
    Wooperts_duck, May 15, 2018
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #3580
    Wooperts_duck, May 15, 2018
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Page 179 of 834
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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