The barnsley joke page

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There were three nuns who wanted to leave the convent, so the Mother Superior called them in one after the other to ask them why. Mother Superior to the first one, "Sister Anna, I was very disappointed to hear that you want to leave us, can you tell me why?" "Well Reverend Mother, I have decided to do something useful with my life and am going to become a teacher in Africa so that I can help the children to have better lives." "That is a good calling," says the Mother Superior, "you have my blessing." Please send in Sister Mary.

"Sister Mary, I was very disappointed to hear that you want to leave us, can you tell me why?" "Well Reverend Mother, I have decided I would like to become a nurse in Africa to help the people get better from their illnesses," "That is a good calling," says the Mother Superior, "you have my blessing." Please send in Sister Susan.

"Sister Susan, I was very disappointed to hear that you want to leave us, can you tell me why?" "Well, Reverend Mother, I have decided to become a prostitute." The Mother Superior faints, and when she comes around a few minutes later she exclaims, "What did you say you want to become?!!!!" "I want to become a prostitute Reverend Mother," says Sister Susan.

"Oh thank God for that!" exclaims the Mother Superior, "I thought you said a Protestant!"

 

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Went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

 

I can remember my first day at school. The teacher looked at me during register and asked, "Are you chewing?"

I said, "No, Chew Wing is probably one of the Asian kids, my name is Simon!"

 

Steven Gerrard is favourite for the Glasgow Rangers manager job.

A Rangers spokesman said, "We are looking for someone with previous experience at stopping Brendan Rodgers winning the league."

 

Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?
Were you advised to walk 500 more?
You could be entitled to compensation.
Call the Pro Claimers NOW.

 

In light of the proposed merger between Asda and Sainsbury's it has just been announced that Poundstretcher and Marks & Spencer's are to merge too.

It will now be known as Stretch Marks.

 

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Heard the sad news today. The man who invented Predictive Text has pasted away. His funfair is next monkey.......

 

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• The US and British Navy were recently on manoeuvres in the Persian gulf.
• The communications officer on the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise sent a radio message to the British carrier HMS Illustrious: "And how"s the second biggest Navy in the world today then?"
• To which the Illustrious officer responded:
• "Fine. How"s the second best?"
• The USS Enterprise did not reply.

 

Took the Mrs to Subway today, I asked the girl to make me a sandwich, she said, "Yes, no problem," I turned to the wife and said, "Now, how f*ckin hard was that?"

 

I went to the card shop yesterday and said, "Do you sell bereavement cards?"

"Yes we do." replied the assistant.

"Good," I said, "could I exchange this 'Get Well Soon' card for one?"