The barnsley joke page

I was at the Toys R Us closing down sale, yesterday.

"Where can I find the Terminator Action figures?", I asked the assistant.

"Aisle B, Back..", he said.

 

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The Beckhams are ageing.....

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Did you see the Scotsman who collapsed in the Commonwealth Games marathon?

Apparently, it was the moment he realised all his loose change had fallen through a hole in his back pocket!

 

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• I worked as a stand up comedian in a old peoples home once........
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• None of them understood my jokes but they still pissed themselves

 

• A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
• The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
• The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
• The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn"t wear his collar like that."
• The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
• The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn"t wear his collar that way."
• The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
• The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
• "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

 

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My wife spent an hour and a half getting ready to go out last night. Finally the bathroom door opened and she said,

"Do l look fat in this?" I said, "Yes, but to be fair it is a small bathroom."

 

Should the person who introduced thick gravy have a knighthood bistoed on them ?

 

• I took this girl out for a meal last night, she had frog's legs and chicken breasts...
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• but she had a f*cking lovely personality, bless her!!

 

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We've got an aviary at home, but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80's music.

Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark.

 

Scare some people at your local Theme Park by bringing some nuts and bolts with you and then showing them to the person next to you on the roller coaster when the ride has just began.

 

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Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years.
Dogs run and they live for 15 years.
Turtles don't do anything and they live for 150 years.

LESSON LEARNED!