Yulia Skripal was discharged from hospital yesterday so I asked her out for a drink to take her mind off her recent ordeal. Unfortunately she stormed out of the pub after less than a minute. Maybe "Whats your poison?" Wasn't the best opening line!
Best day of my life was when i walked down the asile towards my wife, everyone was similing, her mum had a few nice things to say, I gave her a kiss and shut the bloody coffin!!!!!!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings'. Apparently Gollum was once a normal man. But wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life. Must be the same ring I put on when I got married.
Just want to thank a few people for helping with my preparation for this years London Marathon. SCS for the sofa, LG for the TV, Hovis and Walls for the bacon sandwich.