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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3421
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 6, 2018
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  2. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Winnie Mandela memorabilia now available !
     
    #3422
    kiwiqpr, Apr 6, 2018
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  3. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #3423
    kiwiqpr, Apr 7, 2018
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  4. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
    After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
    'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
    'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
    Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
    They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
    But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
    He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
    'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
    'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
    'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
    'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
    Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
    'She just died and left me everything....
     
    #3424
    kiwiqpr, Apr 7, 2018
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3425
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 8, 2018
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Manchester City's new sponsorship deal with tinder looks like its working.

    They have been f*cked twice in 4 days..........
     
    #3426
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 8, 2018
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3427
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 8, 2018
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3428
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 8, 2018
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • A man is sitting in a pub in Ireland suddenly he feels a gun being pointed at his back.
    • "Catholic or Protestant?" asks the voice
    • ."Jew," replies the man, calmly.
    • "Cor," replies the man with the gun, "I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland!"
     
    #3429
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 8, 2018
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • Alan Pardew was out shopping when he spied a little, old, mentally handicapped cripple with one arm and one leg, struggling with his heavy shopping. Feeling "Samaritan like", he said "Excuse me friend, but can you manage?"

    • "Yes" he replied "and so much f*cking better than you can"
     
    #3430
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 8, 2018
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Not seen Scousers this happy over one leg, since Paul McCartney met Heather Mills.
     
    #3431
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 8, 2018
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    E.T.I.H.A.D.

    Eleven Twats In Hiding After Defeat
     
    #3432
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 8, 2018
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  13. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #3433
    kiwiqpr, Apr 9, 2018
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Poor families burying relatives in their back garden because they cannot afford a funeral, MP claims.

    That's what I told the jury ten years ago after my wife committed suicide by stabbing herself in the back seven times.
     
    #3434
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 10, 2018
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3435
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 10, 2018
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3436
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 10, 2018
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    You won't be hearing from me for a while.

    The police are investigating me for stealing swimming pool inflatables... I gotta lilo
     
    #3437
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 10, 2018
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • So, I was working in a library and this bloke comes up to me and says,
    • "Do you have a bookmark?"
    • I said, "Yes, we have hundreds...but my name"s Dave"
     
    #3438
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 10, 2018
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • A policeman stopped me the other day and said,
    • "I"d like you to blow into this bag sir."
    • I said "What for officer?"
    • He said "My chips are too hot."
     
    #3439
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 10, 2018
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The wife was getting dressed up for a night out with her mates, walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her.

    "8 or 9 at least." I said.

    "Out of 10?" she smiled. "Thanks, Babe, I'm flattered."

    Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints!
     
    #3440
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 12, 2018
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