The barnsley joke page

• Hollywood Lessons:
• 1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
• 2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
• 3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.
• 4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
• 5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
• 6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
• 7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.
• 8. You"re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
• 9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
• 10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
• 11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
• 12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
• 13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they"re going to go off, but luckily you"ll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.
• 14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
• 15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

 

Sky News have just confirmed that the Leicester based company Walkers Crisps is to be taken over by a mega rich Arabian Consortium led by Sultan Sheikh.

 

"I can't believe this" my wife said tearfully. "My very first Mother's Day and not even a card."

"Be reasonable" I told her. "He's only 7 months old he's not going to be able to get you anything for years yet."

 

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He’s just said he’d never do it again. Look at the state of my TV screen. He can’t bloody help himself...........

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Why Jimmy Saville never went to China....

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Theresa May appoints new Brexit adviser after demonstrating it’s possible to exit Europe at a cost of only £300 million.......

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I'm currently viewing a woman's profile on a dating site:
Blonde 33 From London Great Personality 5ft 3 green eyes.
Don't get me wrong, I like short girls, but 3 green eyes?
No wonder she can't find a bloke.

 

Why is it, when girls wear skimpy, revealing bikinis on holiday, they don't mind you staring at them?

Yet if you catch them wearing only their bra and knickers, they scream and shout and cover themselves up with a towel? Sort it out Ladies.

I didn't climb up this ladder for the good of my health you know!

 

Breaking News: First Russian diplomat expelled from the UK:

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Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them.

‘How are you going to travel on a single ticket?’ asked a lawyer.

‘Wait and watch’, answered one of the engineers.

When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet door and asked, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved on.

Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip so when they arrived at the station they bought only one ticket. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy any. ‘How are you going to travel without a ticket?’ asked one of the perplexed lawyers.

“Wait and watch”, answered an engineer.

In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please…"

 

The man who owned the Odeon Cinemas has died.

His funeral will be on Friday at 2:10 4:20 and 8:40.............

 

An ex British army medic had been unemployed for short time. He could not find a job he liked so he opened his own medical clinic and put a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for £500, if not treated get £1,000 back."
A clever doctor thought that this was a good opportunity to earn £1,000 and went to the clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my ability to taste."
Medic: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is petrol!"
Medic: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £500."
The doctor left feeling very annoyed and went back a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Medic: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But thats petrol again!"
Medic: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be £500."
The Doctor left angrily and came back after several more days.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become very weak."
Medic : "Well, I don't have any medicine for that. Take this £1,000."
Doctor: "But this is only £500!"
Medic : "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be £500 . . ."

 

As UK expels senior Russian agents, the White House follows suit:

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