The barnsley joke page

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping.

Simply dropping into a local supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends!

Here's how the scam works:

Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.

They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco.

You agree and they both get in the back seat.

On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked.

Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I've had my wallet stolen on January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on February 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and twice yesterday.

So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.

The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.

P.S. I have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but LIDL wallets are £1.75 and look better !!

 

evening ducky

 

earely evening all

 

any jokers about

 

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So Mr Grey from 50 shades is a billionaire and into bondage.
I wonder how many women would still be interested if he was just a kinky pervert picking up his giro from the post office tomorrow?

 

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Today's BBC News - 'it is confirmed that three British school girls have now entered Syria'.
Next week's Daily Star - 'it is confirmed that half of Syria have now entered three British school girls'.

 

Most of Essex has entered Jordan

 

LITTLE JOHNNY'S SISTER


OH No !!! He has a sister ????????????
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"

Before her mother could raise a concern,
Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut."Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked,
"Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

Mum fainted.

 

If you want a laugh, I will post a photo of the other half

 

we have already seen the video mr quick

 

sorry about that

 

Thought you may enjoy these.
Number One.
"I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at
the poison control centre in Brisbane . Today, this woman called in
very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I
quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be
no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and,
at the end of the conversation, happened to mention that she had given
her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told
her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right
away".


Number Two.
Some Boeing employees on the airfield in Sydney decided to steal a
life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the
river, they noticed a Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.


Number Three.
A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland, walked into the Branch and
wrote 'Put all ya muny in this beeg.' While standing in line, waiting
to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had
seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached
the teller's window. So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the
NAB Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to
the teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that
he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could
not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of
Queensland deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a
NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland. Looking somewhat
defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
the Bank of Queensland.
Happened in Brisbane. (where else!!)

Number Four.
A guy walked into a little corner store in Cairns with a shotgun and
demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put
the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted
behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the
bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't
believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still
refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this
point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his wallet and gave
it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was
in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran
from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police
and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the
licence.
They arrested the robber two hours later.


Number Five.
A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, 'Nobody move !' When his partner moved, the
startled first bandit shot him.
Happened in Adelaide


Number Six.
A guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a
brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he
lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The brick
bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store
window was made of Flexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on
videotape.
Happened in Perth WA .


Number seven.
"My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger. She asked
the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was
sorry, but they only had iceberg."
Happened in Surfer's Paradise .


Number eight.
"I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded. "That's why we ask."
Happened in Melbourne.


Number nine.
"When my husband and I arrived at a car dealer to pick up our car, we
were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was
unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open !' His
reply, 'I know - I already done that side.'

Happened at the FORD dealership, Dubbo, NSW

 

welcome Clive

 

anything to keep swords away

 

We like Clive