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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • What do you call four sheep tied to a lamp post?

    • A leisure centre in Cardiff!
     
    #3021
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Ikea founder Ingvar Kamprad has died at the age of 91.

    It's not known how his vast wealth will be divided by his family, as his solicitor says he left no instructions.
     
    #3022
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Arsenal last won the Premier League way back in 2004 and the 'Crazy Frog' was Number 1 at the time.

    14 years on and he's still Manager.
     
    #3023
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3024
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3025
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I changed my Facebook password to "Liverpool's defence" but Facebook notified me that it's too weak. Any advice?
     
    #3026
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Who says men can't multi task?!

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    #3027
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop. The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.

    The tribesman began to speak… “woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 mph”

    “That’s amazing” exclaimed the father. “You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground”?

    “No”, said the old tribesman. “They just ran over me five minutes ago!”
     
    #3029
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    U.S.A President Donald Trump and his family are flying over Washington.

    He looks out of the window and says to his family, “You know what, I’m gonna throw ten $100 banknotes out of the window and make ten people very happy!”

    His son looks at Donald and says, “Dad, why don’t you throw two hundred $5 banknotes out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy.”

    Donald says, “Wow, that’s amazing!”

    His wife turns to Donald and says, “Donald, why not throw one thousand $1 banknotes out of the window? You could make one thousand people happy!”

    Donald looks at his wife and says, “Babe, that is an amazing idea! The best I’ve ever heard!”

    The aircraft pilot turns and looks at Mr. Trump and says, “Well, sir, why don’t you throw yourself out of the window and make millions of people happy?”
     
    #3030
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • Some tips for 4x4 drivers.
    • 1. Don"t bother investing in a personal number plate; No-one gives a f*ck what your name is.
    • 2. Those little stalks that are next to the steering wheel are "indicators." Use them occasionally
    • .3. Putting a "Princess on Board" sticker isn"t cool, especially if the princess in question is Diana. She must really smell by now.
    • 4. "Parent and Child" spaces aren"t really for you if your child is 19, even if she weighs as many stone.
    • 5. When parking, try to park in what we call "parking spaces".
    • 6. Be sure to put a "Greenpeace" or a "Save the Earth" sticker on your bumper. Other drivers will enjoy the irony, even if you don"t.
    • 7. When people make "****er" signs at you, it"s because you are a ****er.
    • Learn to live with it.
     
    #3031
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3032
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency.
    The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.
    The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
    The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
    "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
    Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
    "Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
    The social workers were finally satisfied.
    They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
    "It doesn't really matter... as long as the kid fits in the canon.”
     
    #3033
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  14. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    they had one job
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    #3034
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    After doing 'dry January' for 31 days, finally, I can have a bath......
     
    #3035
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Transfer Window closed last night.

    Many Liverpool fans are disappointed not to have got Bale.

    But they'll be back in court on Monday to try again!
     
    #3036
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Took a picture of the super moon last night

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    #3037
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Today's Countdown
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    #3038
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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