The barnsley joke page

I think I saw Michael J Fox at our local garden centre yesterday.

I’m not 100% sure though because he had his back to the fuschias....

 

RETIREMENT BONUS

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which he did.

The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.

 

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Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."

"anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

 

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Bet it's a really crap game.....

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Why do Irishmen always wear 2 condoms?







To be sure, to be sure.........

 

2 Irish men working in a field. Paddy is digging holes and Mick is filling them in.

After 9 holes a woman asks "Why are you digging a hole & the other lad is filling it in?"

Paddy replies "There's usually 3 of us but the lad who usually plants the trees phoned in sick today"

 

Paddy and Mick are walking down the road with a wheelbarrow with 4 bombs in taking them to the police paddy says to Mick "what will we do if one of them goes off?"

Mick said "we will tell the police we only found 3 "

 

Paddy and Murphy are walking into town and suddenly Murphy says he feels unwell.Paddy phones 999 for an ambulance.

The operator asks where they are. Paddy replies "Eucalyptus Boulevard". "Could you spell that" asks the operator.

"Forget it" says Paddy " I'll drag him round to Oak Road and you can pick him up from there "

 

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Hurt my arm this mornin and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen, the lad next to me says," Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!"

I was like, eh?!?!., I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!".

I said to the next doctor walking past , "here mate is this the psychiatric ward?"

He replied, "no sorry, this is the burns unit!"

 

I'm in hospital !........ Dont Panic !..........I ate what I thought was an onion, but it was a daffodill bulb !

Doctors say I'll be out in the Spring.

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I was in a job interview yesterday. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "£250 and it's yours."

I didn't get the job

 

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