The barnsley joke page

That moment when you realise Ian Dowie lives in Leroy Sane’s throat!

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I can't find my 'Gone in 60 Seconds' DVD.

It was here a minute ago........

 

My new years resolution is to give up my two bad habits of masturbation and smoking.

I'm now down to 15 a day and doing well at packing in smoking as well.

 

After the horse meat found in Tesco burgers scandal a few years ago they have now found thousands of camel toes in Primark leggings.

 

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• I bought a bird feeder.
• I hung it on my back porch and filled it lovingly with seed. It was indeed a beautiful bird feeder.
• Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.
• But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table and next to the barbecue.
• Then came the bird s*it. It was everywhere; on the patio tile, the chairs, the table... everywhere! Then some of the birds turned mean.
• They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket. And others birds were boisterous and loud.
• They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.
• After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone.
• I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.
• Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.
• Now let's see....Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.
• Then the illegal's came by the millions. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 or more families;
• You have to wait 6 hours to be seen by a doctor in an emergency room because it is filled with illegals;
• Your child"s 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.
• Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box;
• I have to "press one" to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than "The Union Jack" are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.
• It's just my opinion but: Maybe, just maybe, it"s time for the government to take down the damn bird feeder.

 

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive then you should try swimming with sharks.

Cost me a bloody arm and a leg.

 

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Got this drone for Christmas but can’t make it work. Advice please.....

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We're so skint after Christmas that I've had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys.

If things get any worse I might have to cancel Sky Sports.

 

My bed is calling........

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Are you an Arab?

Sick of been treated as a terrorist?

I have a solution for you, buy a f*cking transparent Rucksack

 

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Sad news from the Nestlé factory today. A worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking.

He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues cheered.

 

Today I celebrate 18 months of being dry.

It hasn't been easy at times and I've got to say a big thanks to my umbrella for helping me through the hard times.