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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I went to the cemetery yesterday and laid some roses on my wifes grave.

    Just the coffee flavoured ones though I like all the others.
     
    #2901
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 30, 2017
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A Portsmouth fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Saints supporter he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious Southampton jersey. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.

    One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest. "Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.

    Suddenly, the driver saw an Southampton supporter walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "sorry Father, I almost hit that Southampton supporter."

    "That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door.
     
    #2902
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 30, 2017
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I took my wife to Scotland to see if we could spot the Loch Ness Monster. We were only there for a couple of minutes when I noticed something in the water.

    "There it is!" I shouted. "There's something f*cking horrible looking right at us."

    "That's my reflection," said my wife.
     
    #2903
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 31, 2017
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Twice in two days I have been on the telly at the World Darts Championships.

    At this rate I will be offered a place in next years "I'm a Celebrity get me out of Here".
     
    #2904
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 31, 2017
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2905
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 31, 2017
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2906
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 1, 2018
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • It was my first night in prison and I was feeling a bit nervous.
    • My cellmate was a huge bloke with muscles on his muscles.
    • When lights out came and I was lying on my bunk he said:
    • "Seeing that we"re going to be spending so much time together we better be family. What do you want to be, mummy or daddy"
    • "Oh crap" I thought. But, on the principle that it"s better to give than to receive, I said"I"ll be daddy then"
    • "Fair enough" says my cellmate "Now come over here and suck mummy"s cock....."
     
    #2907
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 1, 2018
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • An Indian man on his death bed.
    • "Sanjita,my wife, are you here?"
    • "Yes, my husband"
    • "My son and daughter, are you here?"
    • "Yes, Papa."
    • "Then who"s minding the f*cking shop?"
     
    #2908
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 1, 2018
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • It was my first night in prison and I was feeling a bit nervous.
    • My cellmate was a huge bloke with muscles on his muscles.
    • When lights out came and I was lying on my bunk he said:
    • "Seeing that we"re going to be spending so much time together we better be family. What do you want to be, mummy or daddy"
    • "Oh crap" I thought. But, on the principle that it"s better to give than to receive, I said"I"ll be daddy then"
    • "Fair enough" says my cellmate "Now come over here and suck mummy"s cock....."
     
    #2909
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 1, 2018
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • I walked in the pub yesterday and I couldn"t help but notice a guy sat at the bar scribbling on some paper and laughing hysterically.
    • "Why are you so happy?" I asked.
    • "My wife"s been on a diet for the last 4 days, and she"s lost 5 pounds." the man replied.
    • "What"s so funny about that?" I asked.
    • "Well," he says "I"ve worked out that in 4 months, she will have disappeared completely!"
     
    #2910
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 1, 2018
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2911
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 1, 2018
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2912
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 1, 2018
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I had a central heating engineer round this afternoon and while he was working away he said, “I see you’re a darts man, like myself.”

    I asked how he worked that out and he replied, “That photo on the fireplace of you and Jocky Wilson.”

    I replied, “That’s my wife mate.”
     
    #2913
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 1, 2018
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My wife reckons she's 'staying dry in January'.

    Fat chance with a hunk like me knocking round the house.
     
    #2914
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 1, 2018
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2915
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 1, 2018
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2916
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 1, 2018
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  17. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

    The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

    'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in

    dat cage up dere,' says Gerry..

    The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

    Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass..

    At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'

    He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on

    each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

    Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and

    Gerry falls all the way to the bottom,



    killing himself stone dead.

    Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Feck dat, dis budgie jumping is too feck'n dangerous for me!'





    THERE'S MORE. ...







    Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

    He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of

    the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other..

    'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

    He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

    He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

    Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun

    and shoots the parrot.

    Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he

    hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

    Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'



    IT IS NOT OVER YET....






    Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends

    when Sean appears.

    He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a

    cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

    Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls

    himself off the cliff and disappears down and down

    until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

    Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Feck dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his

    budgie jumping,

    den Seamus parrotshooting...

    And now Sean and his

    feck'n hengliding!'
     
    #2917
    kiwiqpr, Jan 1, 2018
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Just wanna say a big thanks to Dave at number 26 for the gazebo - it looks lovely in my garden.
     
    #2918
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 3, 2018
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2919
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 3, 2018
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Just got the new Ed Sheeran album.

    please log in to view this image
     
    #2920
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 3, 2018
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: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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