The barnsley joke page

• A tramp finds a five pound note in the street.
• He decides to go to the off-licence and buy a bottle of white wine.
• After duly knocking back the plonk the tramp falls into a drunken torpor and collapses in a small alleyway.
• About ten minutes later a passing homosexual happens upon the sprawled body of the tramp.
• Not having greased the pole for a while the shirt-lifter whips down the tramps keks and gives him one up the old Gary Glitter.
• As the rear-gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks a five pound note into the tramp"s hand.
• Upon waking up the next day the tramp discovers the fiver.
• Hardly believing his good fortune he rushes back to the off-licence and purchases another bottle of white wine.
• Yet again he downs the vino and falls into a drunken sleep in his favourite alleyway.
• A little later the same chutney ferret passes the alleyway and sees the tramp.
• Unable to contain himself, the uphill gardener divests the tramp of his jockeys and gives him another hoop stretching.
• Again he leaves five pounds out of guilt for his actions.
• Upon waking up the tramp discovers another fiver in his hand and so hastens back to the off-licence.
• He grabs a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant for wrapping.
• The sales assistant, by now familiar with the tramp"s usual habits, asks why he is buying red wine this time to which the tramp responds,
• "I quite like the white wine but it doesn"t half make my f*cking arse sore".

 

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To everyone that received a book from me for Christmas, they're due back at the library next Wednesday.

 

She's still not opened her present, wonder why?

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Teacher decides to let students out early if they can name some quote origins.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

"That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

"That's right Mary, you can go."

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

"That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

The teacher turns her back Johnny yells in frustration, "I wish those dumb bitches would keep their f*%$#@ mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around and she is livid and yells: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!"

Johnny replies: "Harvey Weinstein. I'll see you tomorrow?"

 

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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man Walking with his legs spread apart.

He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.


One student said to his friend: “I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."


The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."


Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have..
Could you tell us what it is?"


The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."


The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."


The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"


The old man said,"Well, I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

 

Winner: Wet T-shirt Contest

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What were you expecting???

Get some therapy!

 

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED

What is the difference between girls/women
Aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?

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At 8
You take her to bed and tell her a story

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At 18
You tell her a story and take her to bed

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At 28
You don't need to tell her a story
To take her to bed

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At 38
She tells you a story and takes you to bed

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At 48
She tells you a story to avoid going to bed

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At 58
You stay in bed to avoid her story

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At 68
If you take her to bed, that'll be a story

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At 78

What story? What bed?
Who the hell are you?

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According to the
Office for National Statistics

190,374
People are having sex right now

212,130
Are kissing

And one poor old fart
Is reading emails

You hang in there Matey

 

Patent Pending TV Tray for Seniors

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Just bought Cluedo: Swingers Edition,

Turns out they all did it........in every room!

 

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I WAS DELIGHTED when the debt company I owe money to said they were going to send some bay leaves round to my house.

They're absolutely my favourite herb, so I borrowed a few quid and knocked up a chicken biryani, ready to eat with them.

Imagine my shock therefore when two fat skinhead thugs in suits turned up on my doorstep and walked off with my cooker. Bastards!

 

After agreeing a £75m deal for Virgil Van Dijk, Liverpool now have enough loyalty points for a free Shane Long!