The barnsley joke page

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• London Olympics 2028London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2028.You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2028. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:
• OPENING CEREMONY
• The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.
• 100 METRES SPRINT
• Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
• 110 METRES HURDLES
• As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)
• HAMMER
• Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.
• FENCING
• Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.
• SHOOTING
• A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.
• BOXING
• Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
• CYCLING TIME TRIALS
• Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy"s boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
• CYCLING PURSUIT
• As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft
• MODERN PENTATHLON
• Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
• SWIMMING EVENTS
• All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve."
• THE MARATHON
• A safe route has yet to be decided
• MEN"S 50KM WALK
• Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be... mincing
• THE CLOSING CEREMONY
• Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club.
• The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler

 

My girlfriend just told me she doesn't care what she gets for Christmas this year "just make sure it's got diamonds in it" she said.

A pack of playing cards it is then........

 

Just looking at the nativity scene at my local church and I can't help thinking how it reminds me of the Jeremy Kyle show - a mother, a baby, loads of hangers on and some bloke who isn't the father.

 

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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

Tea is more dangerous than beer. Please avoid drinking tea.

I discovered this last night, I had 14 beers till 3am at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home.

You should have seen how violent and angry she was when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me, all night and even into the next morning.

Please ladies, if you can't handle your tea, don't drink it.

 

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With Paul Clement gone, this is now the third December in a row that Swansea have sacked their manager.

Some people will do absolutely anything to avoid buying a Christmas present.

 

After seeing those cute puppies on the Andrex advert, I decided to get the kids one for Christmas.

I can't wait to see their excited little faces when they open up their extra-soft toilet roll.

 

I phoned a Radio Station today, to enter their MYSTERY prize competition.

The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize".

"That's Fantastic!" I called out in delight.

"Feel Confident?" The presenter asked, "It's a Maths Question."

"Well, I've got a degree in Mathematics from Oxford University," I proudly replied, "and I've taught maths to A level students for the last 20 years"

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 tickets to a Southampton game and to meet the players after the game, what is 2+2 ?"

"7", I replied....

 

Being the charitable human I am today I will be inviting recovering addicts round for cold turkey!

 

In London, they've queued outside Harrods since 10pm for the start of the boxing day sales. In Birmingham, Selfridges have reported that shoppers have been queuing up to 12 hours before opening time. In Liverpool, queues have reached up to a mile long for Poundland!

 

If you're wondering what to do with your Turkey carcass after Christmas...

Pop it in your bed and imagine you're David Beckham.

 

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We've just played the Christmas edition of Cluedo.

The wife murdered Christmas dinner, in the kitchen, with the oven!