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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I’ve been invited to the RNLI’s Christmas party. Really looking forward to it.

    They know how to push the boat out.
     
    #2781
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 5, 2017
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Dear Chris Rea......If you start today, you should be able to avoid any seasonal transport issues!
     
    #2782
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 5, 2017
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.

    "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"

    He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

    At lunch time, she asks if he would like something.

    "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

    Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

    At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?"

    Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

    "Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm f*cking STARVING!"
     
    #2783
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 5, 2017
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    With a cracking pair of tits in full view, the girl sat next to me said, "would you like me to get one out for you to suck on?"

    I replied, "Oh, yes please, unwrapping boiled sweets is difficult with birdwatchers gloves on."
     
    #2784
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 5, 2017
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    For years I thought I had a birthmark on my arse. It turned out to be a cigar burn.

    Hows about that then?
     
    #2785
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 5, 2017
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  6. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Just a word of warning
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    : when you buy your copies of The Mail, be careful not to look at any of the pages ESPECIALLY the crossword! We've had reliable information that people have bought @DailyMailUK for the crossword and have ended up becoming Nazis.

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    #2786
    kiwiqpr, Dec 6, 2017
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Way to Pub: ↑

    Way Home: ↷ ↴ →
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    ↪ ↺ ↲ ↑ ↯ ↓
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    ↩ ↱ ↶ ↵
     
    #2787
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 6, 2017
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Just bought me a Diane Abbot advent calendar.

    I didn't know there were 43 days in December!
     
    #2788
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 6, 2017
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    When I was a child, I always used to search my parent's drawers and cupboards in the run up to Christmas so I'd know exactly what to expect.

    Although I never did receive the Vibratron Pleasuremax 3000..........
     
    #2789
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 6, 2017
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Save money this Christmas by simply buying your kids an Easter Egg each and telling them they overslept.
     
    #2790
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 6, 2017
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  11. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #2791
    kiwiqpr, Dec 7, 2017
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  12. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #2792
    kiwiqpr, Dec 7, 2017
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  13. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #2793
    kiwiqpr, Dec 7, 2017
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2794
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 8, 2017
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Little Jenny the chav stands on a chair watching her mom do the washing up.

    "Mummy," little Jenny asks, "are your hands soft and gentle and smooth because you have them in soapy water?"

    Her mother smiles and says, "no, sweetheart, it"s because I"m thirteen."
     
    #2795
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 8, 2017
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said "Thick Cut"."
     
    #2796
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 8, 2017
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • I got a sweater for Christmas.

    • I was hoping for a screamer or a moaner
     
    #2797
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 8, 2017
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2798
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 8, 2017
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2799
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 8, 2017
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2800
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 8, 2017
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Page 140 of 834
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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