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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    There's some thieving bastards where I live.

    Last night someone stole my TV, Xbox, DVD player, all my porn, a big bag of weed and two bottles of vodka.

    I wouldn't mind but I only left my cell for five minutes.
     
    #2721
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 26, 2017
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Great quote here from Didley's mate Won Hung Low

    please log in to view this image
     
    #2722
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 26, 2017
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • 3 men die on Christmas eve.
    • To get into heaven St Peter says "You must have something that represents Christmas"
    • The English man flicks on his lighter and says "Its a candle"
    • St Peter lets him pass.
    • The Welshman takes out his keys and jingles them and says "Christmas bells".
    • St Peter lets him pass.
    • The Irishman takes out his 10" cock. St Peter says "How does that represent Christmas"
    • Mick replies "Its a fcukin cracker isn't it"
     
    #2723
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 26, 2017
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • Please remember a doggy is not just for christmas. ...
    • Its a fcuking great position all the year round!!
     
    #2724
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 26, 2017
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • I woke up this morning and there was a letter on the doormat saying
    • "Please don"t bend"
    • I thought "How the fcuk am I going to pick it up then?"
     
    #2725
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 26, 2017
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.
    • She says, "Hello class, I"m Mrs. Prussy.
    • When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
    • The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy.
    • "A few days later the regular teacher is still sick - when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.
    • Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
    • "That"s right!" she coaxed.
    • Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
     
    #2726
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 26, 2017
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #2727
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 26, 2017
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2728
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 26, 2017
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  9. Didley Squat

    Didley Squat Well-Known Member

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    Professor Low Hun Phat agrees!!!!
     
    #2729
    Didley Squat, Nov 27, 2017
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My next door neighbour has had the London A-Z Atlas tattooed on his back.

    He's a bit of a weirdo, but at least you know where you are with him!
     
    #2730
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 27, 2017
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2731
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 27, 2017
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear"Give us a kiss, luv!"
    • "No!", replied the nurse
    • "Oh go on!", said the man
    • "No!", replied the nurse again
    • "Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?"
    • "For the last time, no!", said the nurse,
    • "I shouldn't even be w*nking you off!"
     
    #2732
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 28, 2017
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2733
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 28, 2017
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2734
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 28, 2017
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My horoscope said my ex would pop up, I've been down the canal all day and thankfully there was no sign of her.
     
    #2735
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 28, 2017
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:

    1 Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely
    horse. I once rode her mother.'
    2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
    3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
    Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
    4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't
    that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
    the Oxford crew.'
    5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
    balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
    6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
    Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
    7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
    snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob,
    where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE
    have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were
    laughing so hard!
    8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better
    today after a 69 yesterday.'
    9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
    'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
    like this. '
    10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports':
    'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
    11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male
    astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
    'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only
    come in his shorts.'
    12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.
     
    #2736
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 28, 2017
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Prince Harry says he doesn’t want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding.

    Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a f*ck, he's still going!
     
    #2737
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 28, 2017
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2738
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 28, 2017
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2739
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 28, 2017
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2740
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 28, 2017
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: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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