The barnsley joke page

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• GOLF TERMS EXPLAINED
• A Sally Gunnell - not pretty but a good runner
• A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
• A Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footer
• A Diego Maradona - a very nasty 5 footer
• A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
• A Rio Ferdinand - Lipped out
• A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn"t
• A Cuban - needs one more revolution
• An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
• An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
• A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
• A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect
• A Kate Moss - bit thin
• A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
• A David Trimble - tentative prod
• A Glen Miller - kept low and didn"t make it over the water
• An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result
• A Russell Grant - a fat iron
• A Peter Mandelson - an unbelievable iron
• A Rodney King - over-clubbed
• An O.J. Simpson - got away with it
• A Paula Radcliffe - not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but still a goodrunner
• A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
• A Princess Di - shouldn"t have taken a driver
• A Robin Cook - just died on the hill
• A Michael Jackson - gradually fading
• A Douglas Bader - looked good in the air, but didn"t have the legs
• An Arsene Wenger - everyone saw where it went but you
• A Ken Livingstone - quite far left
• A Jean-Marie LePen - a long way right
• A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
• A condom - safe but didn"t feel real good
• A circus tent - a BIG top
• An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
• A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you"re not expecting i
• A Ryanair - flies well but lands a long way from the target
• A sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn't be

 

I lay in bed with the Wife earlier and said, "Luv, you know how you're always going on about the patter of tiny feet? Well."
"Oh my God!" She gasped excitedly, "You want us to try for a baby?"
"No I said , we've got f*cking mice in the loft."

 

If Jean-Claude Van Damme is the muscles from Brussels.

Does it mean that Lucy Liu is the vagina from China?

 

Played in a cricket match yesterday in aid of people who suffer from diarrhoea.

We lost by 3 runs.....

 

I went to a really trendy nightclub last night. The doorman said to me, "Sorry mate, you've had too many!"

I said, "What, drinks?" He said, "No, birthdays!"

 

Once again this year, I've had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, half pound butter, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit 4 cups self raising flour.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodkaagain to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now **** shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the fekin window. Finish of the Vodka and wipe the counter with the fekin cat!

 

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' this Christmas in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London.

Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

 

RANDOM THOUGHTS.

* If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

* Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

* The letter W, in English, is called double U. Shouldn't it be called double V?

* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

* Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

- 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

- Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

- The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.

- If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

- Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

- If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

- If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day".

(Save this until 2022 – because it does fall on a Tuesday!!)

 

People criticise shops for starting selling Christmas stuff too early.

Well our supermarket has birthday cake and mine isn't for another 7 months!

 

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• How do you know when it"s bedtime in Michael Jackson"s house?
• 
  
• When the big hand touches the little hand.

 

• An RAF pilot flying over Libya saw 2 flying carpets armed with machine guns and air to ground missiles.
• He gave chase and in a dramatic dogfight shot them both down.
• Chuffed to bits he returned back to base.
• On landing he was called to the Squadron Leaders office for a right bollocking....
• Apparently they were Allied Carpets....

 

A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please... and one for the road."

 

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well.

I was amazed, I never knew they worked.