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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until i saw the red spot on her head and realised she was just on standby!!
     
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    Wooperts_duck, Nov 13, 2017
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    • One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam.
    • He summoned St. Peter and told him of his decision.
    • He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort; companionship and pleasure.
    • The Lord said he would call this being woman.
    • So St. Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man.
    • When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord.
    • "Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job", said The Lord.
    • "Thank You, O Great One" replied St. Peter."I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to this being, this woman. I require your assistance on this matter O Lord.
    • "You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man"s", said The Lord.
    • "The nerve endings, said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?"
    • "How many did we put in Adam?", asked The Lord.
    • "Two hundred, Oh Mighty One", replied St. Peter.
    • "Then we shall do the same for this woman", said The Lord."
    • And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet", enquired St. Peter.
    • "How many did we put in Adam?, asked The Lord.
    • "Seventy five, Oh Mighty One", replied St. Peter.
    • "Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet so they benefit from having fewer nerve endings there, do the same for woman", said The Lord.
    • "How many nerve endings should we put in woman"s genitals", enquired St. Peter.
    • "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
    • "Four hundred and twenty, O Mighty One", replied St. Peter.
    • "Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn"t we? Do the same for woman", said The Lord.
    • "Yes, O Lord", said St. Peter.
    • "No, wait." said The Lord.
    • "Fcuk it, give her ten thousand, I want her to scream out my name."
     
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    Wooperts_duck, Nov 13, 2017
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2663
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 13, 2017
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    God, my kids are running around the house making a hell of a noise.

    Shouting things like, "We're f*cking freezing, let us in!"
     
    #2664
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 13, 2017
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2665
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 13, 2017
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My 17 year old son won £21 million pounds on the lottery recently and when I tried to ring him to congratulate him he didn't want anything to do with me.

    His foster parents must have raised him to be a right prick.
     
    #2666
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 13, 2017
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  7. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #2667
    kiwiqpr, Nov 14, 2017
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  8. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #2668
    kiwiqpr, Nov 14, 2017
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  9. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #2669
    kiwiqpr, Nov 14, 2017
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2670
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 14, 2017
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2671
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 14, 2017
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Wooperts_duck, Nov 14, 2017
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Wooperts_duck, Nov 16, 2017
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2674
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 16, 2017
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2675
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 16, 2017
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2676
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 16, 2017
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2677
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 16, 2017
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  18. Wherever

    Wherever Well-Known Member

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    Rick Ashley just came round to ask if he could borrow my Pixar collection.
    I said you can have toy story and finding nemo but I'm never gonna give you up
     
    #2678
    Wherever, Nov 17, 2017
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  19. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #2679
    kiwiqpr, Nov 19, 2017
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he
    accidentally ran over her favourite dog,
    crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on
    the grass totally distraught.
    The whole world was against him and now his mother would go
    ballistic. Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground.He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared. "You have freed me
    from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie. "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
    "Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?"
    The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This
    body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"
    Prince Charles thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos
    First Photo - "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana,"
    said Prince Charles.
    Second Photo - "But now I love this woman called Camilla,""You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"
    The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes
    said, "Let's have another look at the dog!"
     
    #2680
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 19, 2017
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